Creating fulfilling, loving relationships
for singles and couples.

Posts Tagged ‘Wellington’

Do you feel your life is so crazy and busy its effect your relationship?

Thursday, November 5th, 2015

busy mall 2If so, you’re not alone. I’ve observed recently in my Wellington counselling practice I’ve been working with many couples that say to me they are so busy they don’t have time for their relationship.

It seems crazy we live in a world now where spending quality time with your husband or partner seems to be such a luxury.

And if you don’t have a partner, the same applies to you when it comes to spending quality time with friends and family.

Read More…

Effective Communication in Marriage

Thursday, October 1st, 2015

couple chatting

 

 

Do you want a marriage that’s filled with passion, excitement and mutual respect?

 

The key to experiencing the type of marriage you’ve always dreamed about is effective communication.

 

At the foundation of every intimate relationship is communication. The greater the depth of communication, the stronger the bond is between you and your spouse.

 
Marriages survive and thrive when each person shares their thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. You develop trust in your relationship by sharing your heart and allowing yourself to become vulnerable.

 

You make that trust grow when you resolve to become person that makes your spouse feel safe to open up and be vulnerable as well.

Your marriage relationship can often cause complicated emotions within the both of you.

 

If you commit to seeing the other person’s point of view and creating an atmosphere of safety and open communication, however, you can experience a close marriage relationship even when life presents its biggest challenges.

 

These tips can help you communicate effectively with your spouse:

 
1. Above all, love each other. Decide that being loving is more important than being right.

If you’re willing to concede in a disagreement, you can diffuse many

angry situations without them escalating into a major confrontation.
• Notice the warning signs of an escalating discussion.

If you’re starting to raise your voice or say hurtful things to your partner, take a walk and cool off.

Instead of thinking about all the reasons the other person is wrong, examine the part you might have played in things getting to this level.
When you return, apologize for your part in the disagreement. Usually, both parties shoulder some part of the blame in an argument. Then, calmly express your feelings.

 

• Be careful to speak in terms of how things have affected you, instead of pointing fingers at the other person.

 

Think of the discussion as one you would have with a teammate that is trying to solve the problem, and not as an enemy that must be defeated at all costs.

 

2. Compromise. Many people think that compromise is an ugly word. However, learning to compromise is a valuable key to peace in your home and in your marriage relationship. Decide that you’ll seek a win-win solution in every situation.

 
When you face a disagreement, think about how both of you can get what you want and need.

 

 
• If you both give in a little, you show each other that you’re committed to the relationship above all else. You show your love for your partner in a tangible way when you sacrifice a little of what you want for the good of both of you.

 

 
3. Listen Effectively. Many disagreements are caused by a failure to listen attentively and empathetically to your partner. If you learn to listen effectively, your arguments will be shorter and your marriage will be a sweet fellowship of two people who love each other.

 
• When the other person is speaking, resist the temptation to interrupt.

 

Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say to counter your partner’s statements, pay close attention.

 

 

When your spouse is finished, repeat in your own words what was said. Say,
“What I hear you saying is… Is that what you’re saying?”

 

 
• This gives your spouse a chance to correct your understanding if you’ve misunderstood what was said. It also shows your partner that you care about solving the problem instead of simply winning the argument.

 

 

You’ll experience greater emotional intimacy and a quicker resolution that both of you can be happy with.

 
Strive to embrace difficult conversations as an opportunity to deepen your relationship and show your spouse how much you care.

 

 

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, seek a solution that makes both of you happy, and let go of the need to be right.

 

 

If you do, you’ll experience a vibrant, exciting marriage relationship that survives the tough times and lasts a lifetime.

10 Signs of a Overeager Relationship Pleaser…

Wednesday, September 9th, 2015

young woman hiding her true emotions in the smile. concept photo

Who is a people pleaser?

An overeager people pleaser is a person who gives a lot of importance to pleasing others. And in the process, their main intention is to be liked and valued in return by the people they try to please.

A people pleaser is never a bad person.

They’re not really manipulative, nor are they cheaters. But in their keen pursuit of trying to please everyone around them.

Now everyone has a tinge of people pleasing in them.

Almost all of us try to please someone, in the hope of getting a favour back in return from them someday.

But for most of us, we know where to draw the line.

But a chronic pleaser has no gauge to where the boundaries of pleasing others should stop.

Think about these signs with an open mind, and ask yourself if you can relate to them.

  1. You always have a smile.You never get angry with your friends, colleagues or new relationship, even if they do something that’s extremely upsetting. Instead, you force all that rage within yourself in the form of implosive anger.
  2. The opinion of others.The opinion of other people matters a lot to you and your own decision making. You make your decisions based on other people’s desires. You ask all your friends to share their opinions with you, and you give more thought to what they say than what you believe is right.
  3. You crave for compliments.You’re very liberal with your compliments in the hope of getting a compliment back from your partner, friends and colleagues.
  4. You like attention all the time.You fear losing relationships, friendships and you care too much about being liked by everyone. And you can’t ever imagine being hated by others or being lonely.
  5. You hurt easily.You get hurt very easily when your partner or friends goes somewhere without involving you. You want to feel loved all the time, and you can’t stand it when someone thinks you’re not important in their life.
  6. The big sacrifices.You sacrifice your own happiness just to please someone else and win their approval, or to get a compliment from them.
  7. You can’t take criticism.A people pleaser will change their behaviour, but they will never accept that they’re flawed because it makes them lose their self-esteem even more.
  8. You’re a storyteller,even though you will never admit it. You’re not honest about who you are. You’re not honest to yourself about your own likes and dislikes. Your beliefs and values change all the time, just as long as they match that of your new relationship or friendships whom you’re trying to impress.
  9. You hate confrontation.You spend several sleepless nights over the smallest argument with a new relationship or friendship. And you do whatever it takes to make up for it, even if it’s not your fault. But you wouldn’t do the same for the people you’ve already taken for granted.
  10. You give too much too soon.And many a times, people take you for granted. You try too hard to please your new partner or friend, and you do whatever it takes to ensure that they have a good opinion about you. But almost always, these new partner or friends may end up using you and taking advantage of your niceness.

Although the intent of people-pleasing is to nurture love and connection, over the long term these behaviours can have a negative impact on friendships, loved ones and our relationship with them. Relationships become imbalanced, yet we remain powerless to change this because of a strong drive to avoid conflict.

 

 

6 Signs couples May need to see a Relationship Coach or Therapist

Wednesday, September 9th, 2015

 

 

couple for blog

 

How do you know if the difficulties you have in your relationship are becoming severe enough that you need to seek out the help of a Relationship Coach or therapist?

The 6 signs are:

  1. You’re frequently arguing  without any positive resolutions.

 

  1. You’re feeling disconnected from your partner, alone or shut down.

 

  1. You’re totally uninspired about your sex life.

 

  1. You frequently feel insecure, anxious or jealous.

 

  1. You feel scared to be vulnerable.

 

  1. You feel stuck with the past wounds from a previous relationship.

5 Spring Relationship Tips

Wednesday, September 9th, 2015

 

 

 

daf

 

  1. Make time to connect and talk.

We all have very busy lifestyles these days, so it is easy to forget to make time to sit with our partners and just communicate. This is one of the most important foundations to being in a healthy relationship, so you need to set aside time to connect with your partner.

2. See conflict as an opportunity for your relationship to grow.

It is common for couples to see conflict as being bad for their relationship. Some conflict can be bad for a relationship if it is abusive. However, I encourage you to consider conflict as an opportunity for your relationship to grow and mature.

 

  1. Celebrate and be thankful

Practicing gratitude for all the positive aspects of your relationship. This includes appreciating the everyday small things that you acquire from being in the relationship.

 

  1. 1 + 1 = 1 = 0

One of the most common and destructive misconceptions about relationships. Particularly in long term one’s is that two individuals should become one. The main problem is that when you become one with another person you lose your sense of self.

 

  1. Practice the 3 R’s.

It is common for couple’s to communication only using 2 R’s Receive-React. One partner sends a message and the other reacts in a reactive or defensive way.

 

To break the cycle, you need to slow down the interactions. Best way is to stop reflect on the message before you respond. The 3 R’s Receive-Reflect- Respond

 

 

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