Creating fulfilling, loving relationships
for singles and couples.

Posts Tagged ‘single’

Do you feel your life is so crazy and busy its effect your relationship?

Thursday, November 5th, 2015

busy mall 2If so, you’re not alone. I’ve observed recently in my Wellington counselling practice I’ve been working with many couples that say to me they are so busy they don’t have time for their relationship.

It seems crazy we live in a world now where spending quality time with your husband or partner seems to be such a luxury.

And if you don’t have a partner, the same applies to you when it comes to spending quality time with friends and family.

Read More…

Why can’t I get attracted to anyone?

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

woman-thinking-daydreaming-6407276

You meet a lot of people, but there is never that spark or chemistry. They can look great on online dating site, even be quite attractive, but something is always missing.

You are not feeling the vibe…

You might find yourself in one of these three reasons below but if you don’t, it’s because this list isn’t exhaustive. Lots of people feel no attraction for lots of reasons, and it would be hard to list them all.

If you don’t recognise your situation here, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

 

ARE YOU STILL IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX

Yes, you are nominally single – but your heart isn’t. Everyone you meet, you are comparing them to that one special ex-partner and you feel you’ll never find anyone you’ll connect so much with.

You are sure they were the best ever match for you.

What happens here is you filter everyone through the ex-lens, and of course since nobody is exactly like them – nobody is good enough.

At the same time – because your heart is still taken – you are not really available for a serious relationship, and that’s why you keep meeting people who don’t make the cut. Anyone who is serious will simply not get attracted to you, because you are not sending them the right signals.

THINKING LOVE ONLY HAPPENS AT FIRST SIGHT

You are looking for that unbelievable moment when you see someone for the first time but you feel like you’ve known them all you re life. This happens frequently in movies, more seldom in real life. It’s certainly not the norm.

Strong chemistry is often – lust, not love. We just feel sexually attracted to someone and we incorrectly conclude that means we have found Mr or Miss right… The right match.

It happens more often when you put too much importance on looks, and too little on everything else. Most people grow out of it in their teenage or young adult years, because they start to see they need more than just sexual attraction for a good relationship.

You can fall in love gradually, it’s the same love, it can be as strong, even more so than the first-sight kind. It’s usually the more long-lasting kind.

When you fall in love over time, you get to know someone, and start loving them for who they really are, and then chemistry follows.

Your relationships may not start with fireworks, but they probably won’t fizzle out quickly like them either.

YOU DON’T BELIEVE YOU CAN FIND A GOOD MATCH

This is the main reason, it’s made up of one of more limiting beliefs you have. I had some of them during that time I wasn’t meeting anyone I could feel something more than friendship for.

I thought it was too hard to love me. I thought there wasn’t enough high-quality matches. I thought all the best men were taken. I thought there was something about me that drove men away. I thought all men are immature.

And so I got what I thought was out there for me: zero men who are grown up enough to get me captivated by them. Lots of immature boys who only wanted one thing.

 

LET ME HEAR THOUGHTS… comment below

 

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After Divorce: 5 tips for reinventing the new you!

Wednesday, July 29th, 2015

Divorce wedding cake

Divorce wedding cake

It’s over. You’ve signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved.

Everyone’s divorce story is different:

  • Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so.
  • Maybe you have children, maybe you don’t.
  • Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner’s.
  • Maybe you both agreed that separation was best.
  • Maybe you’re relieved, maybe you’re heartbroken or a bit of both.

But however you got here, the question now is where do you go from here?

And how do you figure out who you are and what you want as a newly single person?

What is your new life going to look like, and how do you start moving in that direction?

 

  1. Let yourself grieve

Nobody gets married thinking, “I sure hope we can get divorced someday!” Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss.

“You may feel sorrow for what you did or didn’t do, or wonder what you did wrong. Don’t dwell on those feelings, but make room for them, Loss is loss. There is an empty space where something once filled it up, even if that something may not have been anticipated.”

 

  1. Time to work through your feelings

Don’t carry that heavy baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the remaining emotions. That may mean talking out your feelings with a counsellor or focusing your energy in a healthy activity you enjoy. “It’s common to sweep these emotions under the carpet, but you have to work through them or they’ll get in the way of your life moving forward.

If you find yourself resisting the idea of counselling, you might want to keep in mind that counselling doesn’t mean you have a problem or that you’re in crisis. It can be a way to work towards a better life, with someone who has no agenda but YOU.

 

3.Learn to love yourself

That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce.

“You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn’t make this relationship work.

You have to work on getting confidence and belief in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth.”

This is also something you could work on in counselling.

 

  1. Re-experience who you used to be:

Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn’t fit with your “couple hood.”

Maybe you loved to go out, but your spouse was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theatre but your husband hated it.

“What were your hobbies and activities before the marriage? What did you defer in favour of the relationship?

Discover the new you!

The life-changing period of divorce, though often difficult and unwelcome, holds a silver lining: to shake things up and try on a new lifestyle.

Maybe it’s as simple as a new haircut after a lifetime of wearing long.

Maybe it’s trying a new sport or consider going back to college.

Maybe you realize that you’d like to move to a new city or even spend a year living overseas

Of course, you can’t just flit away and throw caution to the wind. Chances are, you have some very real considerations — kids (if you’re a parent), a job, and a budget (which may have been hurt by the divorce).

But chances also are that although you might not be able to do whatever your fantasy is, there may be other changes that ARE within your reach. So don’t reject the idea of any change, just because you can’t make every change.

“As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, these are very appropriate.