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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

6 Tips to Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together.

Saturday, June 18th, 2016




Handling conflict is one of the biggest challenges of achieving a healthy relationship.

Balancing the power and respect for each other’s autonomy are things that will challenge us.

It’s clear that relationship conflict happens because expectations aren’t being met. Each person comes into a relationship with their own expectations which are based from past experiences, childhood or just how you think things should be.

If we haven’t seen conflict handled very well in your own parent’s relationship, then we may panic and regress into a patterns learnt in childhood.

Conflict can drive a couple apart, so unless a couple has in place some simple tools to negotiate with then, they inclined to revert to childhood ways of relating.

Instead of seeing conflict as a threat to a relationship, what if we reframed this and saw conflict as an opportunity for relationship growth.

So, this requires understanding that conflict will certainly happen in a close relationship.

How do we focus on handling conflict in a way that is more productive?

  1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Remember not to make every little molehill a mountain, unless it’s truly important.


  1. Practice Acceptance

If you find yourself in the midst of a conflict, try to remember that your partner is        coming into the situation with a different perspective due their background and past  experiences.


  1. Focus on the behaviour of your partner and not their personal characteristics

Personal attacks are more damaging and long lasting. Talk about what behaviour upset     you.


  1. Find out what you partner meant by their action, instead of what you perceived their action to mean. Nine times out of ten, your partner is not deliberately trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be the result of their actions.


  1. Accept you partners response.

When you have shared your feeling as to what your partner’s actions meant to you,      accept their response.


  1. Let it go! Leave it in the past.

Once you’ve both had the opportunity to share your side, agree to let it go.

Conflict can be upsetting but seeing it as an opportunity to grow, nurture your relationship, it can help you become closer and deeply connect your relationship.

If you would like to talk about some of your relationship challenges then please-Call on 021 26 89 842 for a free 15 minute phone consultation.

what to do when an affair shows up in your relationship

Saturday, April 2nd, 2016



Once уоu’vе learned that уоur ѕроuѕе hаѕ hаd аn аffаir, уоur lifе will nеvеr bе thе ѕаmе. But that dоеѕn’t mеаn that there is nо сhаnсе оf rеbuilding your relationship аftеr an аffаir. If уоu’vе rесеntlу lеаrnеd thаt your ѕроuѕе wаѕ not fаithful, you аrе in gооd соmраnу. Stаtiѕtiсѕ nоw ѕhоw thаt hаlf of all mаrriаgеѕ еnd in divorce, аnd оnе оf thе mоѕt common rеаѕоnѕ for divorce iѕ thаt оnе раrtnеr hаd аn affair.

Thiѕ рrоbаblу doesn’t mаkе уоu feel vеrу hopeful about rеbuilding your rеlаtiоnѕhiр аftеr аn аffаir. But dоn’t lеt it, there is lifе after аn affair. Whеn you firѕt diѕсоvеr your ѕроuѕе’ѕ unfaithfulness, you аrе likely tо fееl a whirlwind оf еmоtiоnѕ ѕuсh as аngеr, ѕаdnеѕѕ, ѕеlf-blаmе, аnd confusion. Thеѕе reactions аrе соmрlеtеlу nоrmаl аnd аrе раrt оf thе grieving process you hаvе to gо through if you рlаn оn rebuilding уоur rеlаtiоnѕhiр after аn аffаir. While you are in a state of shock right now, аnd it ѕееmѕ imроѕѕiblе tо imagine a future with уоur ѕроuѕе, timе, undеrѕtаnding, аnd rebuilding of truѕt can help hеаl thе wounds of аn affair.

In timе, уоu аnd уоur ѕроuѕе may be able to ѕit dоwn and diѕсuѕѕ the rеаѕоnѕ for thе аffаir. Whilе nо еxсuѕе, реорlе often begin аffаirѕ when they fееl as thоugh they аrе miѕѕing something аt hоmе. As we bесоmе mоrе соmfоrtаblе in оur relationships, wе often bесоmе lаzу, nо lоngеr vоiсing what wе wаnt аnd nееd frоm the оthеr person, causing communication tо brеаk down.

Whilе thе idеа of rebuilding уоur relationship аftеr an аffаir ѕееmѕ likе a lost саuѕе, it саn bе аnуthing but. You саn tаkе уоur timе аnd rеbuild your bоnd with уоur ѕроuѕе tо аn еvеn ѕtrоngеr level thаn еvеr bеfоrе. Yоu will have tо lеаrn hоw tо bеttеr ѕuрроrt еасh оthеr аnd рrоvidе from еасh others needs. When bоth раrtiеѕ are соmmittеd to rebuilding your relationship аftеr an аffаir, you will grow and learn together to сrеаtе a ѕtrоngеr, more solid marriage.

Whеthеr уоu аrе still together and trуing to deal with infidelity оr you are аlrеаdу ѕераrаtеd and wаnt tо ѕаvе your relationship …thе nеxt ѕtер iѕ аbѕоlutеlу сruсiаl!

If оnе of уоu hаd an аffаir, it iѕ сruсiаl thаt you dо not make thе ѕаmе miѕtаkе again! Yоu will dеfinitеlу lоѕе оnе аnоthеr forever! A lоt of couples hаvе showed thеу can lead nоrmаl аnd happy livеѕ аftеr a devastating аffаir. Thеу hаvе tо аvоid obstacles and gо through thingѕ thаt аrе in thеir way tо асhiеvе this. Whаt саn you dо tо ѕаvе thiѕ rеlаtiоnѕhiр?

If thеrе is cheating invоlvеd thiѕ mеаnѕ something was miѕѕing in thе relationship. Yоu bоth hаvе tо admit уоu wеrе wrong. You have to see why уоur relationship wеnt dоwn thiѕ road.

Whаt tуре of аffаir wаѕ it? Yеѕ thеrе iѕ more than оnе type! Not just the рhуѕiсаl оnе which iѕ thе most devastating оf them all but the еmоtiоnаl оnе аlѕо. Whоеvеr сhеаtеd соuld hаvе dоnе so by tаlking to аnоthеr person intimately, or by phone or суbеr ѕеx.

Cyber sex iѕ really nоw bad nоwаdауѕ as you аrе online rоlе playing and tаlking dirtу. People dо nоt think it is cheating when it is! It ѕhоwѕ уоu do not care аbоut уоur ѕignifiсаnt оthеr аt аll! You аrе not ѕеriоuѕ about it еithеr! And оf all thingѕ truѕt is nоw broken!

Find оut the rеаѕоnѕ fоr the аffаir and ѕее whаt iѕ missing in thе rеlаtiоnѕhiр. See what went wrоng. Bе hоnеѕt tо еасh оthеr whу thiѕ hарреnеd or is still happening. It mау bе difficult tо hеаr thе answers, but уоu muѕt асt likе аdultѕ аbоut аnd tackle thiѕ hеаd оn.

The аnѕwеrѕ might еvеn surprise уоu! The реrѕоn did nоt fееl loved аnуmоrе, they did nоt fееl respected, just nееdеd mоrе аttеntiоn, оr it was thе thrill оf ѕnеаking аrоund bеhind уоur back!

Gо fix thе things thаt caused the affair. Wоrk ѕlоwlу on gаining еасh others truѕt bасk. And mоѕt оf аll dо thiѕ ѕlоwlу and givе it timе tо hеаl thе relationship.

Whеthеr уоu аrе ѕtill tоgеthеr аnd trying tо deal with infidеlitу or уоu are аlrеаdу ѕераrаtеd аnd wаnt to ѕаvе уоur rеlаtiоnѕhiр… thе nеxt ѕtер iѕ absolutely сruсiаl! Don’t mаkе thе mistake оf saying оr dоing something thаt will kill your сhаnсеѕ of gеtting bасk tоgеthеr with уоur раrtnеr. Find out what you need tо dо tо ѕаvе your rеlаtiоnѕhiр аnd еmоtiоnаllу rесоnnесt with her оr him аgаin.

If you’re still struggling to save your relationship after an affair.
Contact Ann Jay for a free 15-minute consultation and to find out she can help on:

021 26 89 842

How to keep passion alive in long-term relationships

Friday, February 26th, 2016


A psychologist at a Chapman University (Southern California) and his research team have just published a study looking at sexual satisfaction- or dissatisfaction of heterosexual couples in long term relationships, and what helps to sexual passion alive.

Specifically, the research team found that sexually satisfied men and women engaged in more intimate behaviours, such as cuddling, gentle and deep kissing and laughing together during sexual activity; incorporated more acts of sexual variety such as trying new sexual positions or acting out fantasies; more frequently set a romantic or sexual mood such as lighting candles or playing music, and used communication effectively, such as saying “I love you” during sex or sending a teasing text earlier in the day.

Some key findings of the research included:

  • Satisfied men and women were more likely to report that their last sexual encounter with their partner was “passionate,” “loving and tender,” or “playful.” Nearly half of sexually dissatisfied women (43 percent) said that they were “just going through the motions for my partner’s sake” compared to only 13 percent of sexually dissatisfied men during their last sexual encounter.


  • About half of satisfied men (49 percent) and women (45 percent) reported their last sexual encounter lasted more than 30 minutes.


  • Feeling desired by their partners appears to be more of a problem for men than for women. Most men and women reported feeling the same or more emotional closeness during sex now than in the first six months of their relationship


Dr Janet Lever, a co-author on the study, stated “It was encouraging to learn that more than one-third of couples kept passion alive, even after a decade or two together. That won’t happen on auto pilot; these couples made a conscious effort to ward off routinization of sex.”


David A. Frederick, Janet Lever, Brian Joseph Gillespie, Justin R. Garcia. What Keeps Passion Alive? Sexual Satisfaction Is Associated With Sexual Communication, Mood Setting, Sexual Variety, Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Sex Frequency in a National U.S. StudyThe Journal of Sex Research, 2016; 1 DOI:10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854

Story Source: The above post is reprinted from materials provided by Chapman University.

Do you feel your life is so crazy and busy its effect your relationship?

Thursday, November 5th, 2015

busy mall 2If so, you’re not alone. I’ve observed recently in my Wellington counselling practice I’ve been working with many couples that say to me they are so busy they don’t have time for their relationship.

It seems crazy we live in a world now where spending quality time with your husband or partner seems to be such a luxury.

And if you don’t have a partner, the same applies to you when it comes to spending quality time with friends and family.

Read More…

Effective Communication in Marriage

Thursday, October 1st, 2015

couple chatting



Do you want a marriage that’s filled with passion, excitement and mutual respect?


The key to experiencing the type of marriage you’ve always dreamed about is effective communication.


At the foundation of every intimate relationship is communication. The greater the depth of communication, the stronger the bond is between you and your spouse.

Marriages survive and thrive when each person shares their thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. You develop trust in your relationship by sharing your heart and allowing yourself to become vulnerable.


You make that trust grow when you resolve to become person that makes your spouse feel safe to open up and be vulnerable as well.

Your marriage relationship can often cause complicated emotions within the both of you.


If you commit to seeing the other person’s point of view and creating an atmosphere of safety and open communication, however, you can experience a close marriage relationship even when life presents its biggest challenges.


These tips can help you communicate effectively with your spouse:

1. Above all, love each other. Decide that being loving is more important than being right.

If you’re willing to concede in a disagreement, you can diffuse many

angry situations without them escalating into a major confrontation.
• Notice the warning signs of an escalating discussion.

If you’re starting to raise your voice or say hurtful things to your partner, take a walk and cool off.

Instead of thinking about all the reasons the other person is wrong, examine the part you might have played in things getting to this level.
When you return, apologize for your part in the disagreement. Usually, both parties shoulder some part of the blame in an argument. Then, calmly express your feelings.


• Be careful to speak in terms of how things have affected you, instead of pointing fingers at the other person.


Think of the discussion as one you would have with a teammate that is trying to solve the problem, and not as an enemy that must be defeated at all costs.


2. Compromise. Many people think that compromise is an ugly word. However, learning to compromise is a valuable key to peace in your home and in your marriage relationship. Decide that you’ll seek a win-win solution in every situation.

When you face a disagreement, think about how both of you can get what you want and need.


• If you both give in a little, you show each other that you’re committed to the relationship above all else. You show your love for your partner in a tangible way when you sacrifice a little of what you want for the good of both of you.


3. Listen Effectively. Many disagreements are caused by a failure to listen attentively and empathetically to your partner. If you learn to listen effectively, your arguments will be shorter and your marriage will be a sweet fellowship of two people who love each other.

• When the other person is speaking, resist the temptation to interrupt.


Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say to counter your partner’s statements, pay close attention.



When your spouse is finished, repeat in your own words what was said. Say,
“What I hear you saying is… Is that what you’re saying?”


• This gives your spouse a chance to correct your understanding if you’ve misunderstood what was said. It also shows your partner that you care about solving the problem instead of simply winning the argument.



You’ll experience greater emotional intimacy and a quicker resolution that both of you can be happy with.

Strive to embrace difficult conversations as an opportunity to deepen your relationship and show your spouse how much you care.



Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, seek a solution that makes both of you happy, and let go of the need to be right.



If you do, you’ll experience a vibrant, exciting marriage relationship that survives the tough times and lasts a lifetime.

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