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Posts Tagged ‘couples’

6 Tips to Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together.

Saturday, June 18th, 2016

 

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Handling conflict is one of the biggest challenges of achieving a healthy relationship.

Balancing the power and respect for each other’s autonomy are things that will challenge us.

It’s clear that relationship conflict happens because expectations aren’t being met. Each person comes into a relationship with their own expectations which are based from past experiences, childhood or just how you think things should be.

If we haven’t seen conflict handled very well in your own parent’s relationship, then we may panic and regress into a patterns learnt in childhood.

Conflict can drive a couple apart, so unless a couple has in place some simple tools to negotiate with then, they inclined to revert to childhood ways of relating.

Instead of seeing conflict as a threat to a relationship, what if we reframed this and saw conflict as an opportunity for relationship growth.

So, this requires understanding that conflict will certainly happen in a close relationship.

How do we focus on handling conflict in a way that is more productive?

  1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Remember not to make every little molehill a mountain, unless it’s truly important.

 

  1. Practice Acceptance

If you find yourself in the midst of a conflict, try to remember that your partner is        coming into the situation with a different perspective due their background and past  experiences.

 

  1. Focus on the behaviour of your partner and not their personal characteristics

Personal attacks are more damaging and long lasting. Talk about what behaviour upset     you.

 

  1. Find out what you partner meant by their action, instead of what you perceived their action to mean. Nine times out of ten, your partner is not deliberately trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be the result of their actions.

 

  1. Accept you partners response.

When you have shared your feeling as to what your partner’s actions meant to you,      accept their response.

 

  1. Let it go! Leave it in the past.

Once you’ve both had the opportunity to share your side, agree to let it go.

Conflict can be upsetting but seeing it as an opportunity to grow, nurture your relationship, it can help you become closer and deeply connect your relationship.

If you would like to talk about some of your relationship challenges then please-Call on 021 26 89 842 for a free 15 minute phone consultation.

A growing trend that couples are just too tired for sex. How to revive your sex life.

Wednesday, May 25th, 2016

A growing trend that couples are just too tired for sex. How to revive your sex life. (2)

There is a growing trend that most couples in long term relationships are too tired for sex.

There are many reasons for this, including physical and emotional stress from our ever increasing busy schedules, leaving less relationship and family time and our insatiable desire to be connected with others via technology.

While it’s quite common to have a reduced frequency in sex after a few years of being in a long term relationship, sex continuously plays an important part in any relationship.

Sex is important on many levels because:

  • It increases your self-esteem and overall well-being
  • It re-establishes your relationship bond very time you have sex.
  • It helps you to feel safe and secure.
  • It’s a natural mood enhancer and antidepressant
  • It allows you to relax, open up and confidentially trust your partner.

How you revive your sex life with your partner

There’s no rule on how often couples should be having sex. It’s about talking and working out together what’s going work for you both and your lifestyle.

Some couples are fine with once a week, others once a month and others need more frequent intimacy.

John Gottman PHD, famous couple’s researcher says “every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay”, so if you can be more aware and develop this mind-set, then this may help you prepare the ground for more opportunities for sex.

  • Attempt to go to bed at the same time and get out of bed at the same time, so you’re on the same schedule.
  • If you can’t go to bed together, go tuck in the other partner in- this is a good opportunity to increase connection.
  • Leave the technology out of the bedroom.
  • Schedule non-sexual touching, cuddling and talk about what’s going on in your life.
  • Do positive things for your partner without asking, so there is more time for the two of you.

Even when life is so busy and demanding, it’s really important to plan in ‘connection time’. This very important connection time is often pre- cursor to having more sex, because it increases your connection and increases your sense of safety and care in the relationship.

 

If you feel you and your partner need help with your relationship, contact :Ann Jay  Relationship Wellbeing Specialist on 021 26 89 842 or email annjaynz@gmail.com

  • FREE 15-minute phone consultation ..
  • Based in the Wellington area..

 

How to keep passion alive in long-term relationships

Friday, February 26th, 2016

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A psychologist at a Chapman University (Southern California) and his research team have just published a study looking at sexual satisfaction- or dissatisfaction of heterosexual couples in long term relationships, and what helps to sexual passion alive.

Specifically, the research team found that sexually satisfied men and women engaged in more intimate behaviours, such as cuddling, gentle and deep kissing and laughing together during sexual activity; incorporated more acts of sexual variety such as trying new sexual positions or acting out fantasies; more frequently set a romantic or sexual mood such as lighting candles or playing music, and used communication effectively, such as saying “I love you” during sex or sending a teasing text earlier in the day.

Some key findings of the research included:

  • Satisfied men and women were more likely to report that their last sexual encounter with their partner was “passionate,” “loving and tender,” or “playful.” Nearly half of sexually dissatisfied women (43 percent) said that they were “just going through the motions for my partner’s sake” compared to only 13 percent of sexually dissatisfied men during their last sexual encounter.

 

  • About half of satisfied men (49 percent) and women (45 percent) reported their last sexual encounter lasted more than 30 minutes.

 

  • Feeling desired by their partners appears to be more of a problem for men than for women. Most men and women reported feeling the same or more emotional closeness during sex now than in the first six months of their relationship

 

Dr Janet Lever, a co-author on the study, stated “It was encouraging to learn that more than one-third of couples kept passion alive, even after a decade or two together. That won’t happen on auto pilot; these couples made a conscious effort to ward off routinization of sex.”

 

David A. Frederick, Janet Lever, Brian Joseph Gillespie, Justin R. Garcia. What Keeps Passion Alive? Sexual Satisfaction Is Associated With Sexual Communication, Mood Setting, Sexual Variety, Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Sex Frequency in a National U.S. StudyThe Journal of Sex Research, 2016; 1 DOI:10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854

Story Source: The above post is reprinted from materials provided by Chapman University.

Do you feel your life is so crazy and busy its effect your relationship?

Thursday, November 5th, 2015

busy mall 2If so, you’re not alone. I’ve observed recently in my Wellington counselling practice I’ve been working with many couples that say to me they are so busy they don’t have time for their relationship.

It seems crazy we live in a world now where spending quality time with your husband or partner seems to be such a luxury.

And if you don’t have a partner, the same applies to you when it comes to spending quality time with friends and family.

Read More…

Effective Communication in Marriage

Thursday, October 1st, 2015

couple chatting

 

 

Do you want a marriage that’s filled with passion, excitement and mutual respect?

 

The key to experiencing the type of marriage you’ve always dreamed about is effective communication.

 

At the foundation of every intimate relationship is communication. The greater the depth of communication, the stronger the bond is between you and your spouse.

 
Marriages survive and thrive when each person shares their thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. You develop trust in your relationship by sharing your heart and allowing yourself to become vulnerable.

 

You make that trust grow when you resolve to become person that makes your spouse feel safe to open up and be vulnerable as well.

Your marriage relationship can often cause complicated emotions within the both of you.

 

If you commit to seeing the other person’s point of view and creating an atmosphere of safety and open communication, however, you can experience a close marriage relationship even when life presents its biggest challenges.

 

These tips can help you communicate effectively with your spouse:

 
1. Above all, love each other. Decide that being loving is more important than being right.

If you’re willing to concede in a disagreement, you can diffuse many

angry situations without them escalating into a major confrontation.
• Notice the warning signs of an escalating discussion.

If you’re starting to raise your voice or say hurtful things to your partner, take a walk and cool off.

Instead of thinking about all the reasons the other person is wrong, examine the part you might have played in things getting to this level.
When you return, apologize for your part in the disagreement. Usually, both parties shoulder some part of the blame in an argument. Then, calmly express your feelings.

 

• Be careful to speak in terms of how things have affected you, instead of pointing fingers at the other person.

 

Think of the discussion as one you would have with a teammate that is trying to solve the problem, and not as an enemy that must be defeated at all costs.

 

2. Compromise. Many people think that compromise is an ugly word. However, learning to compromise is a valuable key to peace in your home and in your marriage relationship. Decide that you’ll seek a win-win solution in every situation.

 
When you face a disagreement, think about how both of you can get what you want and need.

 

 
• If you both give in a little, you show each other that you’re committed to the relationship above all else. You show your love for your partner in a tangible way when you sacrifice a little of what you want for the good of both of you.

 

 
3. Listen Effectively. Many disagreements are caused by a failure to listen attentively and empathetically to your partner. If you learn to listen effectively, your arguments will be shorter and your marriage will be a sweet fellowship of two people who love each other.

 
• When the other person is speaking, resist the temptation to interrupt.

 

Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say to counter your partner’s statements, pay close attention.

 

 

When your spouse is finished, repeat in your own words what was said. Say,
“What I hear you saying is… Is that what you’re saying?”

 

 
• This gives your spouse a chance to correct your understanding if you’ve misunderstood what was said. It also shows your partner that you care about solving the problem instead of simply winning the argument.

 

 

You’ll experience greater emotional intimacy and a quicker resolution that both of you can be happy with.

 
Strive to embrace difficult conversations as an opportunity to deepen your relationship and show your spouse how much you care.

 

 

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, seek a solution that makes both of you happy, and let go of the need to be right.

 

 

If you do, you’ll experience a vibrant, exciting marriage relationship that survives the tough times and lasts a lifetime.

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