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Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

3 Ways to grow self-trust

Monday, October 8th, 2018

Quoted from The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships,

 

“The person you need to trust first is yourself. No one can be as consistently supportive of you as you can learn to be. Being kind to yourself increases self-confidence and lessens your need for approval. Loving and caring for yourself not only increases self-trust, it also deepens your connection with others.”

Self-trust means that you can take care of your needs and safety. It means you trust yourself to survive situations, and practice kindness, not perfection. It means you refuse to give up on yourself.

In The Courage to Trust  lists other components that encompass self-trust. They include: being aware of your thoughts and feelings and expressing them; following your personal standards and ethical code; knowing when you need to care for yourself first; knowing you can survive mistakes, get up and try again; and pursuing what you want without stopping or limiting others.

If you don’t do these things, you’re not alone. None of us were taught to trust as children. Instead, we were taught to be dependent. Maybe you had parents, family, friends or mentors who modelled trust and gave you positive messages about yourself.

Maybe you didn’t. But whether you had this or not, you can learn to trust yourself.  Trust as a skill all of us can learn.

Start with these 3 self-trust growth tips:

1.Avoid people who undermine your self-trust.

The people who undermine your self-trust are the ones who use you or don’t want you to succeed,” They’re the “dream smashers and naysayers.” While you probably didn’t have control over having negative people in your life when you were a c

Do they support you? Do you really want them in your life?

2. Keep promises to yourself.

Developing self-trust also includes becoming your own best friend, and that includes keeping promises to yourself. “Making a commitment and keeping it builds trust.”

For instance, you might make the commitment to create and sustain a boundary. You might make the commitment to take a walk or see the doctor for a check-up. You might make the commitment to go to bed earlier or eat a healthier diet.

3. Speak kindly to yourself.

When my clients bash themselves, I want to know whose voice they’re really hearing. It may be the voice of a parent or teacher or someone else who sent you the message that you weren’t good enough. “Everyone has these awful voices in their heads.”

Fortunately, this is a habit you can reduce or even eliminate. For instance, the next time you make a mistake and blurt out “You’re so stupid,” catch yourself, and instead say, “That’s OK. It was just a small slipup,” or “Yes, that was a big mistake, but I’ll learn from it, and I love myself anyway.”

Being understanding/ self-compassion toward yourself when you make a mistake helps you be more understanding toward others when they do the same.

I recommend that you check out the work of Sharon Salzberg, who focuses on meditation; Kristin Neff, who focuses on self-compassion; and Brené Brown, who focuses on vulnerability and shame.

“Trust is the heartbeat of every significant relationship, with yourself as well as with others. In fact, the relationship with yourself is the foundation of all other relationships.

Again, self-trust doesn’t mean that you always trust yourself to say the right thing or make the right decision or follow every rule.” It’s not about perfection”.

Self-trust means that you trust yourself to overcome a slipup or failure. “I’m trusting myself not to do an A+ job but to survive.”

 

Isn’t it time you put some fun and romance back into Valentine’s Day

Tuesday, February 14th, 2017

 

 

At some point, for most couples, date night goes from fun and exciting to “Um, what do you want to do?”

If you have busy jobs and families it’s even hard to make time for a date, and just planning it out may feel overwhelming. Valentine’s Day is upon us though, and it’s the only day in the year that actually celebrates coupling—embracing it is much more joyful than denying it.

Here are 12 ideas for a romantic (and fun) Valentine’s Day date.


1.Karaoke night…with wigs and sunglasses.


2.Get your favourite takeaway and have an evening picnic in a park.
3.Backyard bonfire, beers optional.


4.See a matinee movie (bonus points if you smuggle in your own chocolate).


5.A walk on the beach is a fine date—find your sweetie a seashell for a Valentine’s gift.


6.Take a scenic drive, bring along a cooler with beers and sandwiches—a reliably good time.


7.Stay in, turn off all technology, have a quiet candlelight dinner. See what happens in the dark.


8.Take a yoga class together, then while you’re extra flexible…


9.Visit a vineyard for a wine tasting. Bring home a bottle for your next date night.


10.Take a long walk–it’s simple but romantic and it’s a low-pressure activity where you both get to decompress.


11.Bowling is not considered romantic: make it so. Bring joy to a bowling alley.


12.Have a movie marathon.

Do you want a stronger relationship?

If you need help with starting or maintaining a relationship, contact Ann Jay for a FREE 15-minute phone consultation to discuss your situation and find out how we can help. Call now on 021 26 89 842

8 reasons why you should work with a Relationship Coach/Counsellor

Tuesday, January 31st, 2017

 

Have you been battling away, hoping things will get better in your relationship?

Are you already recognising that you need help to work things out?

Have you already considered relationship counselling, but it just doesn’t feel like the right fit you?

If any of these questions resonate with you then Relationship Coaching could be your answer.

Relationship Coaching is a powerful, supportive and empowering tool for creating the quality and depth of love in your relationship that you most desire.

Here are 8 reasons why you should consider Relationship Coaching:

1. You didn’t get a copy of ‘The Perfect Relationship Manual
While making connections and developing relationships comes naturally to most of us, there isn’t a step by step instruction manual to follow so we know exactly how to keep our most intimate relationships running smoothly, remaining positive, loving and fulfilling.
A Relationship Coach will help you uncover the intricacies of your relationship and it’s unique makeup, so that you gain more confidence about what it takes to keep things humming along nicely.

2. You believe your relationship is worth saving despite the bumps and bruises.

Even though you might be in a place that feels uncomfortable, difficult and exhausting, you know that there is still something special underneath all the clutter that has been piled on top of your relationship, and you want to uncover and treasure it.

A Relationship Coach will help you dismantle the clutter piece by piece so that you can begin to see the diamond underneath the rubble and start polishing it so it can shine again.

3. You are committed to improving your relationship
While your family, friends and wider community can support you in your lives together, the only two people that can make your relationship work are the two people in it. And nothing will change, while nothing changes, until you are ready to give your relationship the gift of effort and commitment and not settle for less than the best together.
A Relationship Coach will provide you new tools, promote new thinking and support you in new discoveries then encourage you to use these to improve and optimise your relationship.

4. You are willing to let go of all your old stuff
What happened in the past is done. While events may have shaped what you have today, moving forward is the only way to push away from what is and get to where you want to be. Dwelling in the past and recycling every wrong won’t give you anything more than more hurt, until you are ready to let go and step forward into the light of an amazing love together.
A Relationship Coach will hold your hand (literally if you need them to) so that you can take those first steps forward, and then the next and so on. Soon you will gain momentum and will move you quickly towards the love you most desire.

5. You are willing to be vulnerable and honest
The only way to really get what we want most from our relationships is to be vulnerable and honest with each other about what we want and need both for ourselves, and for our partner. Without total honesty and a willingness to open our hearts we close ourselves off to the richness of a deep and honest love that goes the distance.
A Relationship Coach will create a space for you so that you can take down the walls, drop the defences, lay yourself bare and let love in.

6. You are willing to be heard, listen and learn.
I believe our relationships are where we learn the most about ourselves. But over time, and through our challenges, we tend to shut off from each other, and often ourselves, to protect and preserve. But there is so much richness and learning to be had when we are heard, can listen and are willing to learn.
A Relationship Coach will provide you a safe space to be heard so that you can share what your heart wants to say and encourage you to listen so that you can learn to hear the reply from your partner’s heart.

7.You’re willing to grow, push your boundaries and make new choices.
We are where we are through what we know today. But when we know better, we can do better. Achieving ultimate love will require you to push beyond that which is holding you back now, expand your thinking, let go of limitations and make new choices that will give you more of what you want.
A Relationship Coach will share with you new perspectives, help you create new possibilities and encourage you to ask for and expect more from life and love.

8. You want to be true to yourself and live authentically
The best relationships allow you to be exactly who you are, just as you are in all your authenticity and trust that you will be received and accepted. There is no need to cloak yourself in falsehoods or personas. You are able to tell your truth, be vulnerable and make choices that are for your higher good.

A Relationship Coach will help you to identify exactly what it is you most want in your life, and how that will allow each of you to be true to yourselves, while also honouring your relationship and each other.

DO you need relationship help?
Contact Ann Jay for a FREE 15-minute phone consultation to discuss your situation and find out how I can help.
Call Ann Jay – 0212689842

Why are relationships so hard? A TEDX Talk By Stan Tatkin

Friday, September 30th, 2016

If you have ever been a relationship you know they are hard. But what if it’s not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the pant and socks off the floor.

What if there is a far more primitive reason?

In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience – and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT).

He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialised for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships.

He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice

Check out his Tedx talk by watching the video below

Commitment Issues?

Thursday, September 8th, 2016

commitmentissues3

 

 

People with commitment issues may agree to a long-term relationship at first and then begin to slowly retreat from the relationship months, weeks, or even days later.

Some individuals may move from one intense relationship to another with little understanding of what went wrong in previous relationships.

Others may not desire the emotional entanglement that typically occurs in an intimate relationship and may choose to avoid long-term relationships altogether.

Instead, they may decide to engage in “friends with benefits” relationships, short-term sexual partners, or one-night stands.

Possible Causes of Commitment Issues

Commitment issues might stem from a single traumatic event, early childhood stress, or a series of small events.

Factors that may play some part in an individual’s fear of commitment include:

  • Parents’divorce or marital problems
  • Fear of ending up in an unsatisfying relationship
  • Media portrayal of the misery of committed relationships
  • Damaging previous relationships that included infidelity, abuse, or abandonment.
  • Attachment issues
  • Difficulty trusting others

Some individuals confuse a person’s desire for a non-monogamous or polyamorous relationship with commitment issues, but it is quite possible for a person to commit to a long-term romantic partner in an open relationship and still engage in casual sexual encounters outside the relationship. Polyamorous relationships can exist in many forms, but they generally involve some level of commitment to multiple partners. Although some people who have commitment issues may also be polyamorous or prefer open relationships, one should not assume that all non-monogamous individuals have commitment issues.

Effects of Commitment Issues

Some individuals who fear commitment may desire a long-term romantic relationship, but as a consequence of their own fears, engage in self-sabotaging behaviour or end the relationship after a point for no real reason.

However, this can often lead to emotional suffering. An individual may feel as if it is impossible to have a successful relationship and develop feelings of worthlessness or depression.

The partner of a person who has commitment issues may find these issues difficult to understand, especially when the partner who has difficulty with commitment opens up, then pulls away.

This behaviour can be baffling and may have a damaging impact on the other partner’s emotional state, and it may lead to conflict in the relationship.

However, when a person is open and honest with a partner, in a serious relationship it may often be possible to work through commitment issues.

This can often lead to a stronger relationship, though the fear of commitment may still remain a recurring issue in the relationship.

Who can help…

A relationship expert/counsellor can often help an individual uncover potential causes of commitment issues and explore ways to work through these issues.

The support of a relationship expert/counsellor may be beneficial as a person attempts to decide on the best course of action within a relationship that is negatively impacted by one or both partners’ fear of commitment.

 

Do you need help you or your partner with commitment issues?

If the answer is yes, contact Ann Jay for a FREE 15- minute phone consultation to discuss your issue and find out how I can help. Call now on 021 26 89 842

 

 

 

 

 

Resource:

http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/commitment-issues

 

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