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Archive for the ‘Relationship Advice’ Category

3 Betrayals, that spoil relationships

Tuesday, August 13th, 2019

Infidelity is the betrayal our society focuses on, but it is actually the subtle, unnoticed betrayals that truly spoil relationships. When partners do not choose each other day after day, trust and commitment erode away.

Partners may be aware of this disloyalty to each other, but dismiss it because it’s “not as bad as an affair.” This is false. Anything that violates a committed relationship’s contract of mutual trust, respect, and protection can be disastrous.

Betrayals are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection from outside the relationship.

Below are three betrayals that spoils relationships. Only by confronting and taking responsibility for them can couples reestablish their trust in each other.

Emotional Cheating

It’s very easy for platonic friends to bond in the trenches of work, day after day. Sometimes we call this person a “work wife” or “work husband.” Even friendships made at the gym or local coffee shop can threaten the bond at home.

These nonsexual relationships can lead to both parties sharing intimate details about each other’s lives. That doesn’t make it a betrayal. What makes it a betrayal is this: if your partner would be upset by the things you’ve shared or would be uncomfortable watching the interaction.

5 signs your partner’s friendship is not an innocent friendship:

  1. Has a friendship been hidden?
  2. Are your questions about the friendship responded with “don’t worry” or discouragement?
  3. Have you asked it to end, only to have your partner tell you no?
  4. Have your boundaries been disrespected?
  5. Is the friend the subject of fantasies or comments during troubled times in the relationship?

Conditional Love

Couples don’t feel supported when one partner keeps a foot out of the relationship. They don’t feel like their partner has their best interests at heart, that they have their back. When this happens, it’s not uncommon for the betrayed partner to blame a trigger as the real problem, when it’s actually the lack of commitment.

Emotional Withdrawal

Emotional withdrawal can be something big, like choosing a work meeting over a family funeral, or it can be as small as turning away when your partner needs emotional support.

A committed relationship requires both partners to be there for each other through the life-altering traumas and everyday nuisances. That means celebrating joys and successes with your partner, too.

Everybody has different ways of expressing themselves. In a committed relationship, it is the responsibility of both partners to uncover and disclose these preferences to understand what the other requires to feel loved, protected, and supported.

In his research lab, Dr Gottman discovered that happy couples turned toward each other 86% of the time, while unhappy couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time. That means unhappy couples withdraw 67% of the time! Emotional withdrawal sets in when bids are ignored.

Solution: To improve your emotional connection, focus on rebuilding and updating your love maps, cultivating a culture of admiration and fondness, and turning towards bids more often. m

3 Ways to grow self-trust

Monday, October 8th, 2018

Quoted from The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships,

 

“The person you need to trust first is yourself. No one can be as consistently supportive of you as you can learn to be. Being kind to yourself increases self-confidence and lessens your need for approval. Loving and caring for yourself not only increases self-trust, it also deepens your connection with others.”

Self-trust means that you can take care of your needs and safety. It means you trust yourself to survive situations, and practice kindness, not perfection. It means you refuse to give up on yourself.

In The Courage to Trust  lists other components that encompass self-trust. They include: being aware of your thoughts and feelings and expressing them; following your personal standards and ethical code; knowing when you need to care for yourself first; knowing you can survive mistakes, get up and try again; and pursuing what you want without stopping or limiting others.

If you don’t do these things, you’re not alone. None of us were taught to trust as children. Instead, we were taught to be dependent. Maybe you had parents, family, friends or mentors who modelled trust and gave you positive messages about yourself.

Maybe you didn’t. But whether you had this or not, you can learn to trust yourself.  Trust as a skill all of us can learn.

Start with these 3 self-trust growth tips:

1.Avoid people who undermine your self-trust.

The people who undermine your self-trust are the ones who use you or don’t want you to succeed,” They’re the “dream smashers and naysayers.” While you probably didn’t have control over having negative people in your life when you were a c

Do they support you? Do you really want them in your life?

2. Keep promises to yourself.

Developing self-trust also includes becoming your own best friend, and that includes keeping promises to yourself. “Making a commitment and keeping it builds trust.”

For instance, you might make the commitment to create and sustain a boundary. You might make the commitment to take a walk or see the doctor for a check-up. You might make the commitment to go to bed earlier or eat a healthier diet.

3. Speak kindly to yourself.

When my clients bash themselves, I want to know whose voice they’re really hearing. It may be the voice of a parent or teacher or someone else who sent you the message that you weren’t good enough. “Everyone has these awful voices in their heads.”

Fortunately, this is a habit you can reduce or even eliminate. For instance, the next time you make a mistake and blurt out “You’re so stupid,” catch yourself, and instead say, “That’s OK. It was just a small slipup,” or “Yes, that was a big mistake, but I’ll learn from it, and I love myself anyway.”

Being understanding/ self-compassion toward yourself when you make a mistake helps you be more understanding toward others when they do the same.

I recommend that you check out the work of Sharon Salzberg, who focuses on meditation; Kristin Neff, who focuses on self-compassion; and Brené Brown, who focuses on vulnerability and shame.

“Trust is the heartbeat of every significant relationship, with yourself as well as with others. In fact, the relationship with yourself is the foundation of all other relationships.

Again, self-trust doesn’t mean that you always trust yourself to say the right thing or make the right decision or follow every rule.” It’s not about perfection”.

Self-trust means that you trust yourself to overcome a slipup or failure. “I’m trusting myself not to do an A+ job but to survive.”

 

Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account

Monday, August 13th, 2018

While the science behind what drives couples to lose their emotional connection can be quite complex, we use a simple concept that can help couples reconnect: The Emotional Bank Account.

How do online relationship counseling and coaching work?

Wednesday, June 6th, 2018

 

 

 

 

How does online relationship counselling and coaching work?

Online Sessions uses the same setup as any other video conferencing. You are in the privacy of your home, and you call using the zoom. All you need is a good internet connection, a working microphone and computer, and your chair.
With online couples counselling, there will, of course, be two chairs.
Can you do online couples counselling or coaching, if you and your partner are actually in different locations or even countries? Yes. Zoom, for example, can do ‘group’ video calls.

This can be useful if you are in a long-distance relationship, one of you are travelling, or you are in the midst of a separation but want to either have a constructive ending or see if you can salvage the relationship. The benefits of online Relationship Sessions.

There are many upsides to consider. These include:
1. You save money.
Time is money, and doing sessions from home means you don’t have to travel to and fro from your therapist’s office. And if you have children, assuming they are old enough to play quietly in an adjoining room, it can make a babysitter no longer necessary. This is also the case if you have an elderly parent at home who needs care.

2. You are more likely to both make the appointment.
In-person couples sessions represent two times more chances of something coming up to stop you making a session. Online therapy still works if the babysitter cancels, the car breaks down, the train is cancelled, or even if one of you is poorly. A cold or a bit of flu matters less if you don’t have to leave the house.

3. It means attending each session is not used as a weapon between you.
When a couple is in conflict, therapy sessions can become part of the bargaining. “You better not upset me today or I won’t go to the session tomorrow”. When the sessions arin your own home, these sorts of games lose their power. You are both at home, you might as well do the session.

4. If one partner travels for work, you can still attend the session.
Many therapists are fine with occasionally working with one partner on a third line (or always, if you live in different countries).
If you like more information or book an online session give me a call on 0212689842

Relationship Counseling and Coaching isn’t just for couples.

Sunday, May 20th, 2018

 

 

 

Relationship counselling and coaching isn’t just for couples

I can coach you to overcome your blocks to intimacy and find the life you’ve dreamed of!

Can You relate to any one of these?

* Help! I’m feeling so frustrated and lonely because, after all this time, I still can’t find a partner.
* I’m tired and sick of online and offline dating merry-go-round
* I feel despair and hopeless about ever finding a life-long partner.
* When I start to get close to someone I sabotage the relationship.

What results can you expect?

Through my singles coaching and counselling services you can:

* Understand the blocks that are stopping you from letting someone special get close and become more comfortable with intimacy.
* End self-sabotaging behaviours and start self-loving behaviours.
* Increase self – esteem and confidence so you can go after what you want in your life and relationships.
* Resolve painful experiences from the past so you can create an exciting future with a new life-partner.
* Open your heart to a new connection and greater excitement in your life.
Are you ready to start a rewarding relationship?
Phone for a Free 15 minute Consultation or make an online appointment.

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