Creating fulfilling, loving relationships
for singles and couples.

5 Spring Relationship Tips

Wednesday, September 9th, 2015

 

 

 

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  1. Make time to connect and talk.

We all have very busy lifestyles these days, so it is easy to forget to make time to sit with our partners and just communicate. This is one of the most important foundations to being in a healthy relationship, so you need to set aside time to connect with your partner.

2. See conflict as an opportunity for your relationship to grow.

It is common for couples to see conflict as being bad for their relationship. Some conflict can be bad for a relationship if it is abusive. However, I encourage you to consider conflict as an opportunity for your relationship to grow and mature.

 

  1. Celebrate and be thankful

Practicing gratitude for all the positive aspects of your relationship. This includes appreciating the everyday small things that you acquire from being in the relationship.

 

  1. 1 + 1 = 1 = 0

One of the most common and destructive misconceptions about relationships. Particularly in long term one’s is that two individuals should become one. The main problem is that when you become one with another person you lose your sense of self.

 

  1. Practice the 3 R’s.

It is common for couple’s to communication only using 2 R’s Receive-React. One partner sends a message and the other reacts in a reactive or defensive way.

 

To break the cycle, you need to slow down the interactions. Best way is to stop reflect on the message before you respond. The 3 R’s Receive-Reflect- Respond

 

 

Benefits of Skyping a Relationship coach or therapist from anywhere.

Friday, August 28th, 2015

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Benefits of Skype relationship coaching and Counselling..

  • Skype relationship coaching/counselling can be done from the comfort of your own home or office.
  • Skype relationship coaching/counselling eliminates the expense of travel costs.
  • Skype coaching/counselling reduces the time required for seeking out professional help as there is no travel time required.
  • Skype relationship coaching/counselling is cheaper to purchase than face-to-face relationship coaching/counselling in person.
  • Ideal for couples who want to attend together but cannot due to work commitments or child care needs.
  • If you need babysitters to leave the house, Skype relationship coaching/counselling removes this need.
  • Life and relationship coaching consultations via Skype are also more easily accessible for clients.
  • It doesn’t matter how far away you live from me, you can still use me as your coach or counselor.
  • Due to the convenience of Skype, time flexibility can be greater than with face-to-face relationship coaching or counselling.
  • Clients who feel too low to leave the house can access personalised professional help without leaving their home.

Why can’t I get attracted to anyone?

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

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You meet a lot of people, but there is never that spark or chemistry. They can look great on online dating site, even be quite attractive, but something is always missing.

You are not feeling the vibe…

You might find yourself in one of these three reasons below but if you don’t, it’s because this list isn’t exhaustive. Lots of people feel no attraction for lots of reasons, and it would be hard to list them all.

If you don’t recognise your situation here, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

 

ARE YOU STILL IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX

Yes, you are nominally single – but your heart isn’t. Everyone you meet, you are comparing them to that one special ex-partner and you feel you’ll never find anyone you’ll connect so much with.

You are sure they were the best ever match for you.

What happens here is you filter everyone through the ex-lens, and of course since nobody is exactly like them – nobody is good enough.

At the same time – because your heart is still taken – you are not really available for a serious relationship, and that’s why you keep meeting people who don’t make the cut. Anyone who is serious will simply not get attracted to you, because you are not sending them the right signals.

THINKING LOVE ONLY HAPPENS AT FIRST SIGHT

You are looking for that unbelievable moment when you see someone for the first time but you feel like you’ve known them all you re life. This happens frequently in movies, more seldom in real life. It’s certainly not the norm.

Strong chemistry is often – lust, not love. We just feel sexually attracted to someone and we incorrectly conclude that means we have found Mr or Miss right… The right match.

It happens more often when you put too much importance on looks, and too little on everything else. Most people grow out of it in their teenage or young adult years, because they start to see they need more than just sexual attraction for a good relationship.

You can fall in love gradually, it’s the same love, it can be as strong, even more so than the first-sight kind. It’s usually the more long-lasting kind.

When you fall in love over time, you get to know someone, and start loving them for who they really are, and then chemistry follows.

Your relationships may not start with fireworks, but they probably won’t fizzle out quickly like them either.

YOU DON’T BELIEVE YOU CAN FIND A GOOD MATCH

This is the main reason, it’s made up of one of more limiting beliefs you have. I had some of them during that time I wasn’t meeting anyone I could feel something more than friendship for.

I thought it was too hard to love me. I thought there wasn’t enough high-quality matches. I thought all the best men were taken. I thought there was something about me that drove men away. I thought all men are immature.

And so I got what I thought was out there for me: zero men who are grown up enough to get me captivated by them. Lots of immature boys who only wanted one thing.

 

LET ME HEAR THOUGHTS… comment below

 

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3 Relationship Pitfalls When Entering Parenthood …

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

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Many couples are often surprised how much a baby can change their relationship and daily lives..

This article By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. published in  Psychcentral 2013 highlights three main relationship pitfalls when entering parenthood.

Link..  http://psychcentral.com/lib/3-relationship-pitfalls-when-entering-parenthood-pointers-to-help/

According to Joyce Marter LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, L LC, which offers a Pre & Post Baby Couples Counseling Program.

Whether it’s your first or fourth child, your relationship still sees a jolt.

As Marter said, “The first child most often brings about the greatest life and relationship change, but each subsequent child affects a couple almost exponentially, widening the scope of responsibilities and compounding family and relationship dynamics.”

Having children can bring couples closer. But it also can chip away at a relationship if you’re unprepared for the potential pitfalls. Take this surprising statistic: Within three years of their child’s birth, about 70 percent of couples experience a significant slump in their relationship quality, according to the Gottman Relationship Institute.

The key in keeping a relationship happy and fulfilling is knowing  what these pitfalls are, having realistic expectations and staying committed to each other. Below are three of the most common pitfalls and pointers to help.

Pitfall 1: Sleep deprivation

Everyone knows that having kids is exhausting. But you might not fully appreciate the fatigue. According to Marter, “the chronic and cumulative nature of sleep deprivation during the newborn phase is perhaps  one of the most commonly underestimated challenges of new parenthood.”

Sleep deprivation sinks your mood, makes it harder to cope effectively with stress and exacerbates mood swings and anxiety. And that’s just what it does to each person.

Lack of sleep strains the relationship in various ways: Couples may fight about who’s doing more and sleeping less. Because couples are extra agitated and stressed, they might squabble more in general. And the primary caregiver may feel unsupported and alone and eventually resent their spouse, Marter said.

Pointers: Sleep when your baby sleeps, Marter said. “This may mean letting the laundry or scrapbooks wait and forcing yourself to nap.  It  might mean going to bed at 8 p.m., so that you can sleep during your baby’s longest stretch.”

What if your baby isn’t really sleeping? Marter suggested working with your pediatrician and reading other resources such as Healthy Sleep  Habits, Healthy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. If feedings are the reason your family isn’t getting much sleep, she also suggested  checking out the La Leche League, and figuring out a feeding schedule that works best.

Ask loved ones for support  and, if it’s financially feasible, hire help for household chores, a babysitter so you can take daytime naps or a night nanny, Marter said.

And work as a team. For instance, moms who are breastfeeding can pump so their partners or loved ones take turns doing the feedings.

Pitfall 2: Lack of intimacy

Sexual intimacy declines after having a baby, and not surprisingly, this can negatively affect your relationship. “Because sexuality is intensely personal and sexual connection is a major component of romantic relationships, sexual dysfunction or disconnection can become a significant problem for many couples,” Marter said.

The decline happens for many reasons. Physicians typically suggest that women abstain from intercourse for 4 to 6 weeks after childbirth. Even after that time, “women may experience or fear pain from intercourse due to the effects of delivery, an episiotomy, peritoneal tearing, and/or vaginal dryness due to hormone fluctuations,” Marter said. Couples also  experience a decline in desire because of busy schedules, body image issues, fatigue and other concerns.

Pointers: Expect that intimacy will decline after childbirth. This is normal considering the sleep deprivation, new responsibilities and need for the woman’s body to heal, Marter said. Avoid viewing lack of sex as rejection or a sign of trouble in your relationship.

Be close and intimate in other ways, such as kissing, touching, snuggling or spooning, Marter said. Make time to physically connect with each other. Staying home and watching a movie is one way, she said.

“Good sex requires good communication.” Marter suggested talking openly about your needs, preferences and fantasies with your partner.These are some questions she suggested raising: “What is good about [your sex life]? When was it the best and why? What do you each desire? What schedule seems to work best for you? What gets in the way of having more sex?”

Also, work on your emotional connection. For instance, “Create at least 20 minutes per day to connect and talk about things other than the responsibilities with household and baby,” Marter said.

Pitfall 3: Responsibilities

In Marter’s practice, the most prevalent problem for couples is division of labor. Resentments inevitably peak when one partner feels like they’re tackling more tasks and working harder. “They may compare and become competitive or defensive about their responsibilities, schedules or the pros and cons of their work or role,” she said.

They also might glorify each other’s positions, Marter said. A stay-at-home dad might think his wife’s day at work is filled with swanky business  lunches, interesting projects and a quiet commute, while he’s dealing with temper tantrums and dirty diapers. His wife might imagine him playing, cuddling and connecting with their child, while she deals with a difficult boss, endless deadlines and concerns over job security. “Then, when an issue like who is going to do the laundry comes up, the misunderstandings have created an environment ripe for conflict,” she said.

One of the problems is that couples usually don’t have a plan for how they’re going to divvy up responsibilities. Marter finds that many couples make assumptions about who’ll do what — often based on how their  parents did things — which typically leads to confusion and conflict.

Pointers: Map out what your routine and responsibilities will look like, Marter said. And make sure it’s fair to both partners. Again, couples get into trouble when responsibilities are vague. One of Marter’s clients wanted her husband to help out in the mornings, but the couple ended up bickering  instead. “By sitting down and reviewing the mornings tasks, the husband was able to select several items that his wife agreed would be helpful for him to manage,” she said.

When you’re figuring out fairness, remember that a relationship requires give and take. “For example, the husband of a client who is a teacher really steps it up during her grading periods and she picks up the slack when he travels for work,” Marter said.

Also, lower your standards, and let some things go. Another client of Marter’s,  who was super stressed and worn out, used to iron all her baby’s clothes. Of course,  getting enough sleep supersedes ironing. “Focus on the big things and let the small stuff go,” Marter said.

“The transition to family is simultaneously joyous, miraculous and wondrous and  one of the most challenging life experiences and opportunities for growth,” Marter said. It helps for couples to have realistic expectations about parenthood and their relationship and to remain committed to working as a team.

 

 

Source: 3 Relationship Pitfalls When Entering Parenthood & Pointers to Help | Psych Central

After Divorce: 5 tips for reinventing the new you!

Wednesday, July 29th, 2015

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Divorce wedding cake

It’s over. You’ve signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved.

Everyone’s divorce story is different:

  • Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so.
  • Maybe you have children, maybe you don’t.
  • Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner’s.
  • Maybe you both agreed that separation was best.
  • Maybe you’re relieved, maybe you’re heartbroken or a bit of both.

But however you got here, the question now is where do you go from here?

And how do you figure out who you are and what you want as a newly single person?

What is your new life going to look like, and how do you start moving in that direction?

 

  1. Let yourself grieve

Nobody gets married thinking, “I sure hope we can get divorced someday!” Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss.

“You may feel sorrow for what you did or didn’t do, or wonder what you did wrong. Don’t dwell on those feelings, but make room for them, Loss is loss. There is an empty space where something once filled it up, even if that something may not have been anticipated.”

 

  1. Time to work through your feelings

Don’t carry that heavy baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the remaining emotions. That may mean talking out your feelings with a counsellor or focusing your energy in a healthy activity you enjoy. “It’s common to sweep these emotions under the carpet, but you have to work through them or they’ll get in the way of your life moving forward.

If you find yourself resisting the idea of counselling, you might want to keep in mind that counselling doesn’t mean you have a problem or that you’re in crisis. It can be a way to work towards a better life, with someone who has no agenda but YOU.

 

3.Learn to love yourself

That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce.

“You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn’t make this relationship work.

You have to work on getting confidence and belief in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth.”

This is also something you could work on in counselling.

 

  1. Re-experience who you used to be:

Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn’t fit with your “couple hood.”

Maybe you loved to go out, but your spouse was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theatre but your husband hated it.

“What were your hobbies and activities before the marriage? What did you defer in favour of the relationship?

Discover the new you!

The life-changing period of divorce, though often difficult and unwelcome, holds a silver lining: to shake things up and try on a new lifestyle.

Maybe it’s as simple as a new haircut after a lifetime of wearing long.

Maybe it’s trying a new sport or consider going back to college.

Maybe you realize that you’d like to move to a new city or even spend a year living overseas

Of course, you can’t just flit away and throw caution to the wind. Chances are, you have some very real considerations — kids (if you’re a parent), a job, and a budget (which may have been hurt by the divorce).

But chances also are that although you might not be able to do whatever your fantasy is, there may be other changes that ARE within your reach. So don’t reject the idea of any change, just because you can’t make every change.

“As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, these are very appropriate.

 

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