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6 Tips to Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together.

Saturday, June 18th, 2016




Handling conflict is one of the biggest challenges of achieving a healthy relationship.

Balancing the power and respect for each other’s autonomy are things that will challenge us.

It’s clear that relationship conflict happens because expectations aren’t being met. Each person comes into a relationship with their own expectations which are based from past experiences, childhood or just how you think things should be.

If we haven’t seen conflict handled very well in your own parent’s relationship, then we may panic and regress into a patterns learnt in childhood.

Conflict can drive a couple apart, so unless a couple has in place some simple tools to negotiate with then, they inclined to revert to childhood ways of relating.

Instead of seeing conflict as a threat to a relationship, what if we reframed this and saw conflict as an opportunity for relationship growth.

So, this requires understanding that conflict will certainly happen in a close relationship.

How do we focus on handling conflict in a way that is more productive?

  1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Remember not to make every little molehill a mountain, unless it’s truly important.


  1. Practice Acceptance

If you find yourself in the midst of a conflict, try to remember that your partner is        coming into the situation with a different perspective due their background and past  experiences.


  1. Focus on the behaviour of your partner and not their personal characteristics

Personal attacks are more damaging and long lasting. Talk about what behaviour upset     you.


  1. Find out what you partner meant by their action, instead of what you perceived their action to mean. Nine times out of ten, your partner is not deliberately trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be the result of their actions.


  1. Accept you partners response.

When you have shared your feeling as to what your partner’s actions meant to you,      accept their response.


  1. Let it go! Leave it in the past.

Once you’ve both had the opportunity to share your side, agree to let it go.

Conflict can be upsetting but seeing it as an opportunity to grow, nurture your relationship, it can help you become closer and deeply connect your relationship.

If you would like to talk about some of your relationship challenges then please-Call on 021 26 89 842 for a free 15 minute phone consultation.

Make your relationship a priority and your kids benefit..

Friday, May 27th, 2016


If there is one thing that can throw a curve ball into your relationship, its kids..

Don’t get me wrong, kids are a great blessing and a great source of fun and laughter..
With kids around the house, no matter what their ages are, life get more complicated and busy!

So regardless where you find yourself currently, if you work on making your relationship a priority, your kids, what ever age they will reap the benefits.

Here’s a few ideas that may help.
1. Steal moments together- If you kids are young, its often difficult to find time to connect. Take advantage of bed time routines. Make it priority to sit together and have short discussions after they go to bed. Look for moments throughout your day, you’ll likely find there are more opportunities than you thought.

2. Give up the TV and internet once a week. Try it for one day a week
It will be amazing to see the positive effect, just by making a commitment once a week to priorities your relationship.

3. Declutter. If you want to give your relationship a boost, de-clutter the master bedroom.. Nothing kills a romantic moment when you are making your way to the bed, to only trip over piles of books, magazines and clothes on the floor. Spend some time this week making it a romantic haven.. The rest of the house can wait!

4. Go on dates. Ask family, friends or a responsible teenager. It may take some planning, but its worth the investment
5. Family time. Having family time is a good way creating lasting bonds for your relationship and family.

A growing trend that couples are just too tired for sex. How to revive your sex life.

Wednesday, May 25th, 2016

A growing trend that couples are just too tired for sex. How to revive your sex life. (2)

There is a growing trend that most couples in long term relationships are too tired for sex.

There are many reasons for this, including physical and emotional stress from our ever increasing busy schedules, leaving less relationship and family time and our insatiable desire to be connected with others via technology.

While it’s quite common to have a reduced frequency in sex after a few years of being in a long term relationship, sex continuously plays an important part in any relationship.

Sex is important on many levels because:

  • It increases your self-esteem and overall well-being
  • It re-establishes your relationship bond very time you have sex.
  • It helps you to feel safe and secure.
  • It’s a natural mood enhancer and antidepressant
  • It allows you to relax, open up and confidentially trust your partner.

How you revive your sex life with your partner

There’s no rule on how often couples should be having sex. It’s about talking and working out together what’s going work for you both and your lifestyle.

Some couples are fine with once a week, others once a month and others need more frequent intimacy.

John Gottman PHD, famous couple’s researcher says “every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay”, so if you can be more aware and develop this mind-set, then this may help you prepare the ground for more opportunities for sex.

  • Attempt to go to bed at the same time and get out of bed at the same time, so you’re on the same schedule.
  • If you can’t go to bed together, go tuck in the other partner in- this is a good opportunity to increase connection.
  • Leave the technology out of the bedroom.
  • Schedule non-sexual touching, cuddling and talk about what’s going on in your life.
  • Do positive things for your partner without asking, so there is more time for the two of you.

Even when life is so busy and demanding, it’s really important to plan in ‘connection time’. This very important connection time is often pre- cursor to having more sex, because it increases your connection and increases your sense of safety and care in the relationship.


If you feel you and your partner need help with your relationship, contact :Ann Jay  Relationship Wellbeing Specialist on 021 26 89 842 or email

  • FREE 15-minute phone consultation ..
  • Based in the Wellington area..


what to do when an affair shows up in your relationship

Saturday, April 2nd, 2016



Once уоu’vе learned that уоur ѕроuѕе hаѕ hаd аn аffаir, уоur lifе will nеvеr bе thе ѕаmе. But that dоеѕn’t mеаn that there is nо сhаnсе оf rеbuilding your relationship аftеr an аffаir. If уоu’vе rесеntlу lеаrnеd thаt your ѕроuѕе wаѕ not fаithful, you аrе in gооd соmраnу. Stаtiѕtiсѕ nоw ѕhоw thаt hаlf of all mаrriаgеѕ еnd in divorce, аnd оnе оf thе mоѕt common rеаѕоnѕ for divorce iѕ thаt оnе раrtnеr hаd аn affair.

Thiѕ рrоbаblу doesn’t mаkе уоu feel vеrу hopeful about rеbuilding your rеlаtiоnѕhiр аftеr аn аffаir. But dоn’t lеt it, there is lifе after аn affair. Whеn you firѕt diѕсоvеr your ѕроuѕе’ѕ unfaithfulness, you аrе likely tо fееl a whirlwind оf еmоtiоnѕ ѕuсh as аngеr, ѕаdnеѕѕ, ѕеlf-blаmе, аnd confusion. Thеѕе reactions аrе соmрlеtеlу nоrmаl аnd аrе раrt оf thе grieving process you hаvе to gо through if you рlаn оn rebuilding уоur rеlаtiоnѕhiр after аn аffаir. While you are in a state of shock right now, аnd it ѕееmѕ imроѕѕiblе tо imagine a future with уоur ѕроuѕе, timе, undеrѕtаnding, аnd rebuilding of truѕt can help hеаl thе wounds of аn affair.

In timе, уоu аnd уоur ѕроuѕе may be able to ѕit dоwn and diѕсuѕѕ the rеаѕоnѕ for thе аffаir. Whilе nо еxсuѕе, реорlе often begin аffаirѕ when they fееl as thоugh they аrе miѕѕing something аt hоmе. As we bесоmе mоrе соmfоrtаblе in оur relationships, wе often bесоmе lаzу, nо lоngеr vоiсing what wе wаnt аnd nееd frоm the оthеr person, causing communication tо brеаk down.

Whilе thе idеа of rebuilding уоur relationship аftеr an аffаir ѕееmѕ likе a lost саuѕе, it саn bе аnуthing but. You саn tаkе уоur timе аnd rеbuild your bоnd with уоur ѕроuѕе tо аn еvеn ѕtrоngеr level thаn еvеr bеfоrе. Yоu will have tо lеаrn hоw tо bеttеr ѕuрроrt еасh оthеr аnd рrоvidе from еасh others needs. When bоth раrtiеѕ are соmmittеd to rebuilding your relationship аftеr an аffаir, you will grow and learn together to сrеаtе a ѕtrоngеr, more solid marriage.

Whеthеr уоu аrе still together and trуing to deal with infidelity оr you are аlrеаdу ѕераrаtеd and wаnt tо ѕаvе your relationship …thе nеxt ѕtер iѕ аbѕоlutеlу сruсiаl!

If оnе of уоu hаd an аffаir, it iѕ сruсiаl thаt you dо not make thе ѕаmе miѕtаkе again! Yоu will dеfinitеlу lоѕе оnе аnоthеr forever! A lоt of couples hаvе showed thеу can lead nоrmаl аnd happy livеѕ аftеr a devastating аffаir. Thеу hаvе tо аvоid obstacles and gо through thingѕ thаt аrе in thеir way tо асhiеvе this. Whаt саn you dо tо ѕаvе thiѕ rеlаtiоnѕhiр?

If thеrе is cheating invоlvеd thiѕ mеаnѕ something was miѕѕing in thе relationship. Yоu bоth hаvе tо admit уоu wеrе wrong. You have to see why уоur relationship wеnt dоwn thiѕ road.

Whаt tуре of аffаir wаѕ it? Yеѕ thеrе iѕ more than оnе type! Not just the рhуѕiсаl оnе which iѕ thе most devastating оf them all but the еmоtiоnаl оnе аlѕо. Whоеvеr сhеаtеd соuld hаvе dоnе so by tаlking to аnоthеr person intimately, or by phone or суbеr ѕеx.

Cyber sex iѕ really nоw bad nоwаdауѕ as you аrе online rоlе playing and tаlking dirtу. People dо nоt think it is cheating when it is! It ѕhоwѕ уоu do not care аbоut уоur ѕignifiсаnt оthеr аt аll! You аrе not ѕеriоuѕ about it еithеr! And оf all thingѕ truѕt is nоw broken!

Find оut the rеаѕоnѕ fоr the аffаir and ѕее whаt iѕ missing in thе rеlаtiоnѕhiр. See what went wrоng. Bе hоnеѕt tо еасh оthеr whу thiѕ hарреnеd or is still happening. It mау bе difficult tо hеаr thе answers, but уоu muѕt асt likе аdultѕ аbоut аnd tackle thiѕ hеаd оn.

The аnѕwеrѕ might еvеn surprise уоu! The реrѕоn did nоt fееl loved аnуmоrе, they did nоt fееl respected, just nееdеd mоrе аttеntiоn, оr it was thе thrill оf ѕnеаking аrоund bеhind уоur back!

Gо fix thе things thаt caused the affair. Wоrk ѕlоwlу on gаining еасh others truѕt bасk. And mоѕt оf аll dо thiѕ ѕlоwlу and givе it timе tо hеаl thе relationship.

Whеthеr уоu аrе ѕtill tоgеthеr аnd trying tо deal with infidеlitу or уоu are аlrеаdу ѕераrаtеd аnd wаnt to ѕаvе уоur rеlаtiоnѕhiр… thе nеxt ѕtер iѕ absolutely сruсiаl! Don’t mаkе thе mistake оf saying оr dоing something thаt will kill your сhаnсеѕ of gеtting bасk tоgеthеr with уоur раrtnеr. Find out what you need tо dо tо ѕаvе your rеlаtiоnѕhiр аnd еmоtiоnаllу rесоnnесt with her оr him аgаin.

If you’re still struggling to save your relationship after an affair.
Contact Ann Jay for a free 15-minute consultation and to find out she can help on:

021 26 89 842

How to keep passion alive in long-term relationships

Friday, February 26th, 2016


A psychologist at a Chapman University (Southern California) and his research team have just published a study looking at sexual satisfaction- or dissatisfaction of heterosexual couples in long term relationships, and what helps to sexual passion alive.

Specifically, the research team found that sexually satisfied men and women engaged in more intimate behaviours, such as cuddling, gentle and deep kissing and laughing together during sexual activity; incorporated more acts of sexual variety such as trying new sexual positions or acting out fantasies; more frequently set a romantic or sexual mood such as lighting candles or playing music, and used communication effectively, such as saying “I love you” during sex or sending a teasing text earlier in the day.

Some key findings of the research included:

  • Satisfied men and women were more likely to report that their last sexual encounter with their partner was “passionate,” “loving and tender,” or “playful.” Nearly half of sexually dissatisfied women (43 percent) said that they were “just going through the motions for my partner’s sake” compared to only 13 percent of sexually dissatisfied men during their last sexual encounter.


  • About half of satisfied men (49 percent) and women (45 percent) reported their last sexual encounter lasted more than 30 minutes.


  • Feeling desired by their partners appears to be more of a problem for men than for women. Most men and women reported feeling the same or more emotional closeness during sex now than in the first six months of their relationship


Dr Janet Lever, a co-author on the study, stated “It was encouraging to learn that more than one-third of couples kept passion alive, even after a decade or two together. That won’t happen on auto pilot; these couples made a conscious effort to ward off routinization of sex.”


David A. Frederick, Janet Lever, Brian Joseph Gillespie, Justin R. Garcia. What Keeps Passion Alive? Sexual Satisfaction Is Associated With Sexual Communication, Mood Setting, Sexual Variety, Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Sex Frequency in a National U.S. StudyThe Journal of Sex Research, 2016; 1 DOI:10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854

Story Source: The above post is reprinted from materials provided by Chapman University.

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