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Creating fulfilling, loving relationships
for singles and couples.

Do you have problems meeting new dating partners?

Monday, September 16th, 2019

Do you have problems meeting new dating partners? 

The 5-second rule can help you!

I was recently searching on Amazon for some of the top-rating non-fiction books and stumbled across the book by Mel Robbins called, The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage. I then discovered Mel’s TEDx talk, viewed over 12 million times, How to stop Screwing Yourself Over.

While this was not the typical relationship advice and self-help information, I’m usually interested in watching.

 I watched her video with curiosity and realised this was fantastic advice for anyone desperate and dateless and having problems meeting people.

You see, there’s a reason why her TEDx talk has been so wildly popular and why her book has been top of the Amazon charts. Is that, Mel has a straightforward tool for taking action in your life. She calls it the 5-second rule.

What is the 5-second rule?

The 5-second rule works on, that if you want to create change in your life and you know that behavioural changes will help you bring about what you want.

Then, you need to act within five seconds physically. 

Simple, isn’t it?

Well, this isn’t a “Just Do It” approach. 

The 5-second rule works like this:

 If you have an impulse to act on a goal, then you must physically move within 5 seconds.

 Or your brain will kill the idea, which stops you putting on your natural ‘handbrake’ of resisting taking action. 

Which then leads to you feeling stuck and NOT reaching your goals.

If you’re single and having trouble meeting people, there are endless tips, advice, strategies.

And all sorts of free information online about how to meet new people and start dating. 

But in my experience, many people get stuck at the point of taking action.

Taking action as a single might include:

  • moving out of your comfort zone by going to events
  • walking across a bar to introduce yourself to someone
  • join meet up groups
  • being extra friendly to someone you meet while shopping, or

When you’re using the 5-second rule, you’re not overthinking about the pros and cons of going to an event; you RSVP within 5 seconds. If you see an attractive stranger at a bar that keeps catching your eye, you take that first step towards them within 5-seconds of having the impulse to introduce yourself. 

It’s a simple strategy, and I love the fact it’s so easy to remember and something you can employ right now.

I believe the 5-second rule can make a difference in your life and your relationship status.

If you’re interested in finding out more, watch the video below of Mel Robbins explaining the theory and try out the 5-second rule for yourself.

Click the play button below to watch Mel Robbin’s TEDx talk.

3 Betrayals, that spoil relationships

Tuesday, August 13th, 2019

Infidelity is the betrayal our society focuses on, but it is actually the subtle, unnoticed betrayals that truly spoil relationships. When partners do not choose each other day after day, trust and commitment erode away.

Partners may be aware of this disloyalty to each other, but dismiss it because it’s “not as bad as an affair.” This is false. Anything that violates a committed relationship’s contract of mutual trust, respect, and protection can be disastrous.

Betrayals are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection from outside the relationship.

Below are three betrayals that spoils relationships. Only by confronting and taking responsibility for them can couples reestablish their trust in each other.

Emotional Cheating

It’s very easy for platonic friends to bond in the trenches of work, day after day. Sometimes we call this person a “work wife” or “work husband.” Even friendships made at the gym or local coffee shop can threaten the bond at home.

These nonsexual relationships can lead to both parties sharing intimate details about each other’s lives. That doesn’t make it a betrayal. What makes it a betrayal is this: if your partner would be upset by the things you’ve shared or would be uncomfortable watching the interaction.

5 signs your partner’s friendship is not an innocent friendship:

  1. Has a friendship been hidden?
  2. Are your questions about the friendship responded with “don’t worry” or discouragement?
  3. Have you asked it to end, only to have your partner tell you no?
  4. Have your boundaries been disrespected?
  5. Is the friend the subject of fantasies or comments during troubled times in the relationship?

Conditional Love

Couples don’t feel supported when one partner keeps a foot out of the relationship. They don’t feel like their partner has their best interests at heart, that they have their back. When this happens, it’s not uncommon for the betrayed partner to blame a trigger as the real problem, when it’s actually the lack of commitment.

Emotional Withdrawal

Emotional withdrawal can be something big, like choosing a work meeting over a family funeral, or it can be as small as turning away when your partner needs emotional support.

A committed relationship requires both partners to be there for each other through the life-altering traumas and everyday nuisances. That means celebrating joys and successes with your partner, too.

Everybody has different ways of expressing themselves. In a committed relationship, it is the responsibility of both partners to uncover and disclose these preferences to understand what the other requires to feel loved, protected, and supported.

In his research lab, Dr Gottman discovered that happy couples turned toward each other 86% of the time, while unhappy couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time. That means unhappy couples withdraw 67% of the time! Emotional withdrawal sets in when bids are ignored.

Solution: To improve your emotional connection, focus on rebuilding and updating your love maps, cultivating a culture of admiration and fondness, and turning towards bids more often. m

3 Ways to grow self-trust

Monday, October 8th, 2018

Quoted from The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships,

 

“The person you need to trust first is yourself. No one can be as consistently supportive of you as you can learn to be. Being kind to yourself increases self-confidence and lessens your need for approval. Loving and caring for yourself not only increases self-trust, it also deepens your connection with others.”

Self-trust means that you can take care of your needs and safety. It means you trust yourself to survive situations, and practice kindness, not perfection. It means you refuse to give up on yourself.

In The Courage to Trust  lists other components that encompass self-trust. They include: being aware of your thoughts and feelings and expressing them; following your personal standards and ethical code; knowing when you need to care for yourself first; knowing you can survive mistakes, get up and try again; and pursuing what you want without stopping or limiting others.

If you don’t do these things, you’re not alone. None of us were taught to trust as children. Instead, we were taught to be dependent. Maybe you had parents, family, friends or mentors who modelled trust and gave you positive messages about yourself.

Maybe you didn’t. But whether you had this or not, you can learn to trust yourself.  Trust as a skill all of us can learn.

Start with these 3 self-trust growth tips:

1.Avoid people who undermine your self-trust.

The people who undermine your self-trust are the ones who use you or don’t want you to succeed,” They’re the “dream smashers and naysayers.” While you probably didn’t have control over having negative people in your life when you were a c

Do they support you? Do you really want them in your life?

2. Keep promises to yourself.

Developing self-trust also includes becoming your own best friend, and that includes keeping promises to yourself. “Making a commitment and keeping it builds trust.”

For instance, you might make the commitment to create and sustain a boundary. You might make the commitment to take a walk or see the doctor for a check-up. You might make the commitment to go to bed earlier or eat a healthier diet.

3. Speak kindly to yourself.

When my clients bash themselves, I want to know whose voice they’re really hearing. It may be the voice of a parent or teacher or someone else who sent you the message that you weren’t good enough. “Everyone has these awful voices in their heads.”

Fortunately, this is a habit you can reduce or even eliminate. For instance, the next time you make a mistake and blurt out “You’re so stupid,” catch yourself, and instead say, “That’s OK. It was just a small slipup,” or “Yes, that was a big mistake, but I’ll learn from it, and I love myself anyway.”

Being understanding/ self-compassion toward yourself when you make a mistake helps you be more understanding toward others when they do the same.

I recommend that you check out the work of Sharon Salzberg, who focuses on meditation; Kristin Neff, who focuses on self-compassion; and Brené Brown, who focuses on vulnerability and shame.

“Trust is the heartbeat of every significant relationship, with yourself as well as with others. In fact, the relationship with yourself is the foundation of all other relationships.

Again, self-trust doesn’t mean that you always trust yourself to say the right thing or make the right decision or follow every rule.” It’s not about perfection”.

Self-trust means that you trust yourself to overcome a slipup or failure. “I’m trusting myself not to do an A+ job but to survive.”

 

Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account

Monday, August 13th, 2018

While the science behind what drives couples to lose their emotional connection can be quite complex, we use a simple concept that can help couples reconnect: The Emotional Bank Account.

How do online relationship counseling and coaching work?

Wednesday, June 6th, 2018

 

 

 

 

How does online relationship counselling and coaching work?

Online Sessions uses the same setup as any other video conferencing. You are in the privacy of your home, and you call using the zoom. All you need is a good internet connection, a working microphone and computer, and your chair.
With online couples counselling, there will, of course, be two chairs.
Can you do online couples counselling or coaching, if you and your partner are actually in different locations or even countries? Yes. Zoom, for example, can do ‘group’ video calls.

This can be useful if you are in a long-distance relationship, one of you are travelling, or you are in the midst of a separation but want to either have a constructive ending or see if you can salvage the relationship. The benefits of online Relationship Sessions.

There are many upsides to consider. These include:
1. You save money.
Time is money, and doing sessions from home means you don’t have to travel to and fro from your therapist’s office. And if you have children, assuming they are old enough to play quietly in an adjoining room, it can make a babysitter no longer necessary. This is also the case if you have an elderly parent at home who needs care.

2. You are more likely to both make the appointment.
In-person couples sessions represent two times more chances of something coming up to stop you making a session. Online therapy still works if the babysitter cancels, the car breaks down, the train is cancelled, or even if one of you is poorly. A cold or a bit of flu matters less if you don’t have to leave the house.

3. It means attending each session is not used as a weapon between you.
When a couple is in conflict, therapy sessions can become part of the bargaining. “You better not upset me today or I won’t go to the session tomorrow”. When the sessions arin your own home, these sorts of games lose their power. You are both at home, you might as well do the session.

4. If one partner travels for work, you can still attend the session.
Many therapists are fine with occasionally working with one partner on a third line (or always, if you live in different countries).
If you like more information or book an online session give me a call on 0212689842

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