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Archive for September, 2019

More than friends: Recovering from an Emotional Affair

Friday, September 27th, 2019

For Sally, it all started when she finally got on facebook after attending a school reunion.

At first, she added her extended family, old school friends, neighbours, friends and a few local mums from the coffee group.

After a few months, she reconnected with most of her old school friends, including her former boyfriend, Harry.

She hadn’t seen or heard from him in many years and found herself excited to accept his friend request.

Once connected, Sally spent time looking at Harry’s photos of him and his family. She thought to herself, what a handsome guy he still is. Her husband, Allan, had let himself go.

As she found herself thinking about Harry more, more, she started noticing things about her husband, she disliked.

One day, Sally saw that it was Harry’s birthday, so she decided to write him a little birthday post on his wall. Little didn’t she know that a short post would prompt Harry to send her a private message in response.

Sally was nervous. She remembered their trip to Greece well. It had been years since Sally and Harry dated, but the feelings came back like it was yesterday. She found herself on cloud nine over her memories of their young love.

She decided to wait a day or two to message Harry back because she didn’t want to look eager. She kept her response short update on her life and her family.

Harry messaged her back.

And so, it began.

She liked his pictures

He loved her posts

Messaging went from a daily occurrence to an all-day event.

They shared about their families, their children, jobs. As the days and weeks went by, their facebook messages became more intimate. They became better friends. They knew a lot about each other.

They became more open with each other about the hard marriages they were both “stuck” in and about their growing feelings for each other.

However, they were ready to agree that they had somehow fallen in love again even though being miles apart- all via Face book messenger.

That is until one day when Sally left her facebook account open and her husband, Alan, saw a message from Harry pop up.

Alan clicked on the message, and there it was: Six months’ worth of daily messages between Harry and Sally.

Alan read through the messages and felt shocked, stunned, and hurt by the things Sally said about him. Had he become lazy, fat, and mean?

And then Sally walked in.

Alan, with tears in his eyes, looked up from the computer and asked, WHY!

Recovery from the emotional affair

Instead of letting this emotional affair destroy their marriage, Sally and Alan decided that they wanted to work on their relationship. They wanted things to change, and they were hopeful that things could improve with the right knowledge and resources.

To heal from the wounds of this emotional affair, revive their dying marriage, and protect against the danger of future affairs, Sally and Alan did three things:

First, Sally cut ties with Harry and unfriended him on Face book. That was a boundary she needed to set.

Second, Sally and Alan worked on meeting each other’s needs. They engaged a Couples Relationship therapist to work through their needs, and they began to implement small things into their marriage to help them feel connected.

How the Story ends

Along with nurturing their marriage, Alan and Sally set other boundaries to protect against future affairs and to re-build trust in their relationship.

It took time, but Alan came to completely forgave Sally and regained his trust by honouring the boundaries they set together and seeking to meet Alans needs.

A connection was something that had been missing in their relationship for a very long time. After many months of healing, their relationship was better. They felt more intimate on all levels- emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually.

Sally and Alan committed to continuing to intentionally working together to create the marriage they wanted.

Do you have problems meeting new dating partners?

Monday, September 16th, 2019

Do you have problems meeting new dating partners? 

The 5-second rule can help you!

I was recently searching on Amazon for some of the top-rating non-fiction books and stumbled across the book by Mel Robbins called, The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage. I then discovered Mel’s TEDx talk, viewed over 12 million times, How to stop Screwing Yourself Over.

While this was not the typical relationship advice and self-help information, I’m usually interested in watching.

 I watched her video with curiosity and realised this was fantastic advice for anyone desperate and dateless and having problems meeting people.

You see, there’s a reason why her TEDx talk has been so wildly popular and why her book has been top of the Amazon charts. Is that, Mel has a straightforward tool for taking action in your life. She calls it the 5-second rule.

What is the 5-second rule?

The 5-second rule works on, that if you want to create change in your life and you know that behavioural changes will help you bring about what you want.

Then, you need to act within five seconds physically. 

Simple, isn’t it?

Well, this isn’t a “Just Do It” approach. 

The 5-second rule works like this:

 If you have an impulse to act on a goal, then you must physically move within 5 seconds.

 Or your brain will kill the idea, which stops you putting on your natural ‘handbrake’ of resisting taking action. 

Which then leads to you feeling stuck and NOT reaching your goals.

If you’re single and having trouble meeting people, there are endless tips, advice, strategies.

And all sorts of free information online about how to meet new people and start dating. 

But in my experience, many people get stuck at the point of taking action.

Taking action as a single might include:

  • moving out of your comfort zone by going to events
  • walking across a bar to introduce yourself to someone
  • join meet up groups
  • being extra friendly to someone you meet while shopping, or

When you’re using the 5-second rule, you’re not overthinking about the pros and cons of going to an event; you RSVP within 5 seconds. If you see an attractive stranger at a bar that keeps catching your eye, you take that first step towards them within 5-seconds of having the impulse to introduce yourself. 

It’s a simple strategy, and I love the fact it’s so easy to remember and something you can employ right now.

I believe the 5-second rule can make a difference in your life and your relationship status.

If you’re interested in finding out more, watch the video below of Mel Robbins explaining the theory and try out the 5-second rule for yourself.

Click the play button below to watch Mel Robbin’s TEDx talk.