Five Tips on how to achieve and find the love you want.

Look at your History
It’s helpful to look at our past. We start by looking at our current or recent relationships.

· Where are the stumbling block?

· If relationships keep ending, where did it go wrong?

· What are the themes, patterns that keep emerging?

· What ways might we be pushing or have pushed love away?

· What’s thoughts inspired these actions?

Once we start to know our patterns, we can trace them back to their roots.

· Were you rejected by parent or other role models in your childhood?

· Were put down in your family?

· Did you observe destructive interactions between your parents?

· Did you notice negative dynamics in their relationship that influenced how you now act in yours?

As we come to understand how are past informs our present, we can perform one the most beneficial acts to improving our love lives.

Stop, listening to your inner Gremlins

· Tune in and try to recognize that little Gremlin voice in your head telling old stories.

· “He doesn’t really love me” “ Don’t in too deep with him or he will hurt me” “ No one will be interested me”

· You’re too fat, ugly, not intelligent enough, awkward to have relationship..

Throughout our life’s, this” Gremlin” lures us away from finding love. So, being able to identify the Gremlin will help you stop seeing it as fact.

Challenge your defenses

It’s so easy to stay in our comfort zone which keeps us feeling unfulfilled and alone. We use our defenses to protect ourselves from the world.

Our defenses, no matter how comforting they are, they are not our friend. They keep us from what we desire, crave a loving relationship.

As we learn how defenses that served us in our childhood are harmful to us in the present, we can act against these automatic behaviors and, overtime, become who we want to be in our relationships.

Feel you’re Feelings- “Love makes us feel alive,”

Yes, love makes us feel. It awakens and deepens our happiness, passion and energy.

Also, it awakens our vulnerability to pain, fear of losing what we have. Love remind us of past failed relationships and hurts.

Caring deeply for another makes us feel more deeply in general. When these emotions arise, we should embrace them and be open to feeling them.

Be Vulnerable

So many of us fear of being vulnerable emotionally. We see it as a sign of weakness but it should be seen as a sign of strength.

We are told from early on in our lives that being vulnerable and being open to our feelings is not socially acceptable. “We need to toughen up, not to cry” and to keep it all together, no matter what.

Even the dating culture has its own rules around vulnerability- it goes like this…

· Don’t say you “I Love you” first.

· Don’t tell him how you feel.

· Don’t let him know how much you like him.

· Don’t you call him, let him call you.

It means ignoring the Gremlin in your head and acting on how you really feel. When you do this, you learn that you can survive, even when you get hurt. You’ll be able to live with more honesty and knowing that the authentic you is present, in a world that isn’t perfect!

Committing to these actions and investing in your relationships is journey of personal growth into becoming your own person.


Would you like to talk?

If something in this blog has brought up some issues for you, book a free inquiry call with Ann Jay.

Ann Jay

Ann Jay is a Wellington Relationship Counselor who provides marriage counselling, couple's counselling, and relationship coaching for couples and women either in a relationship or single. Her goal is to help people create healthy, loving and fulfilling relationships and experience the love they deserve.