5 Reasons most people get stuck from finding Love…

This week’s Bachelor NZ we saw classic examples of how we get stuck from finding love we want..

Natalie from Pukekohe or Chrystal from Christchurch didn’t receive a rose last night from Arthur.

Their insecurities got best of them and they struggled to be themselves despite being attracted to Arthur.

Natalie’s awkward moments/defenses and Chrystals defensive attitude. Kept them both stuck from finding love.

Whether we know it or not, most of us are afraid of really being in love.

Our fears can manifest themselves in different ways and show up at any stage of a relationship.

Like Natalie and Crystal, we all have defenses that we believe at some level will protect us from being hurt.

They give a false sense of security, but they only keep us from finding the love we most desire.

So what drives our fears of intimacy?

What keeps us stuck from the love we want?
1. Love makes us feel vulnerable
New relationships are unknown terrain, and most of us have natural fear of the unknown. Allowing ourselves to fall in love means taking a risk.
With this risk comes putting your trust in another person, allowing them to affect you, making you feel exposed and vulnerable.

2. New love can bring up past hurts.
When we enter into a relationship, we are fully aware of how we’ve been affected by our past relationships.
The ways we were hurt in our previous relationships, starting from our childhood, have a strong influence on how we see the people we get close to as well as how we act in our romantic relationships.

Old, negative dynamics may make us cautious of opening ourselves up to someone new.

3. Love challenges old Self- believes
Many of us struggle with underlying feelings of being unlovable or feeling our own value and believing anyone really care for us. We all have a Gremlins called “critical inner voice” inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. Our critical inner voice is developed from painful childhood experiences, attitudes, as well as feelings our parents had about themselves. So, when another person sees us differently from our inner voice, loving and appreciating us, this actually makes us feel uncomfortable and our defenses go up because our old believes about ourselves are being challenge.
4. Love brings up fears loss of love.
The old saying goes the more we have the more we have to lose. The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing them.
When open ourselves to love then we not only facing our fear of losing our partner, but we become more aware of our mortality. Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing it becomes more frightening.

5. With love comes pain.
When we fully experience true happiness and how precious life is on an emotional level, we can expect to feel some sadness. Many of us shy away from things that would make us happiest, because they also make us feel pain. We cannot numb ourselves to sadness without numbing ourselves to happiness. So, when it comes to falling in love, we hesitate to go “all in” for the fear of the hurt, pain & sadness it may create in us.


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Ann Jay

Ann Jay is a Wellington Relationship Counselor who provides marriage counselling, couple's counselling, and relationship coaching for couples and women either in a relationship or single. Her goal is to help people create healthy, loving and fulfilling relationships and experience the love they deserve.