Creating fulfilling, loving relationships
for singles and couples.

3 Ways to grow self-trust

Monday, October 8th, 2018
0 Flares Twitter 0 Facebook 0 Filament.io 0 Flares ×

Quoted from The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships,

 

“The person you need to trust first is yourself. No one can be as consistently supportive of you as you can learn to be. Being kind to yourself increases self-confidence and lessens your need for approval. Loving and caring for yourself not only increases self-trust, it also deepens your connection with others.”

Self-trust means that you can take care of your needs and safety. It means you trust yourself to survive situations, and practice kindness, not perfection. It means you refuse to give up on yourself.

In The Courage to Trust  lists other components that encompass self-trust. They include: being aware of your thoughts and feelings and expressing them; following your personal standards and ethical code; knowing when you need to care for yourself first; knowing you can survive mistakes, get up and try again; and pursuing what you want without stopping or limiting others.

If you don’t do these things, you’re not alone. None of us were taught to trust as children. Instead, we were taught to be dependent. Maybe you had parents, family, friends or mentors who modelled trust and gave you positive messages about yourself.

Maybe you didn’t. But whether you had this or not, you can learn to trust yourself.  Trust as a skill all of us can learn.

Start with these 3 self-trust growth tips:

1.Avoid people who undermine your self-trust.

The people who undermine your self-trust are the ones who use you or don’t want you to succeed,” They’re the “dream smashers and naysayers.” While you probably didn’t have control over having negative people in your life when you were a c

Do they support you? Do you really want them in your life?

2. Keep promises to yourself.

Developing self-trust also includes becoming your own best friend, and that includes keeping promises to yourself. “Making a commitment and keeping it builds trust.”

For instance, you might make the commitment to create and sustain a boundary. You might make the commitment to take a walk or see the doctor for a check-up. You might make the commitment to go to bed earlier or eat a healthier diet.

3. Speak kindly to yourself.

When my clients bash themselves, I want to know whose voice they’re really hearing. It may be the voice of a parent or teacher or someone else who sent you the message that you weren’t good enough. “Everyone has these awful voices in their heads.”

Fortunately, this is a habit you can reduce or even eliminate. For instance, the next time you make a mistake and blurt out “You’re so stupid,” catch yourself, and instead say, “That’s OK. It was just a small slipup,” or “Yes, that was a big mistake, but I’ll learn from it, and I love myself anyway.”

Being understanding/ self-compassion toward yourself when you make a mistake helps you be more understanding toward others when they do the same.

I recommend that you check out the work of Sharon Salzberg, who focuses on meditation; Kristin Neff, who focuses on self-compassion; and Brené Brown, who focuses on vulnerability and shame.

“Trust is the heartbeat of every significant relationship, with yourself as well as with others. In fact, the relationship with yourself is the foundation of all other relationships.

Again, self-trust doesn’t mean that you always trust yourself to say the right thing or make the right decision or follow every rule.” It’s not about perfection”.

Self-trust means that you trust yourself to overcome a slipup or failure. “I’m trusting myself not to do an A+ job but to survive.”

 

Published on Monday, October 8th, 2018, under communication, Relationship Advice, relationships, Self-trust

About the Author

Ann Jay is a Wellington Relationship Counselor who provides marriage counselling, couple's counselling, and relationship coaching for couples and women either in a relationship or single. Her goal is to help people create healthy, loving and fulfilling relationships and experience the love they deserve.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *