Creating fulfilling, loving relationships
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Archive for October, 2015

After being a couple’s counsellor for many years, this is what I have learnt about LOVE

Monday, October 19th, 2015

FreeVector-Fireworks

When I first started out as a couple’s counselor, I didn’t know how to help couples move out of emotional pain and start to make positive changes in their relationship.

But as the years went on, and I ‘learned on the job’, I discovered there were some profound lessons to learn about love from working with lots of couples.

Here are the 10 things that I’ve learned about love over the years:

  • No two couples are the same.
  • While no two couples are the same, most couples fall into fairly predictable patterns.
  • Attraction is totally unpredictable.
  • Relationships that start with a bang often end with a bigger bang.
  • There is no such thing as the perfect relationship.
  • Your partner can’t fulfill all your needs.
  • You have more than one soul mate (if you believe in that).
  • Changing your relationship is hard work, but worth it.
  • Relationships can be boring and ordinary at times, and that’s OK.
  • The sex can get even better in a long-term relationship.

If you feel you and your partner need help with your relationship, contact :Ann Jay  Relationship Wellbeing Specialist on 021 26 89 842 or email annjaynz@gmail.com

  • FREE 15-minute phone consultation ..
  • Based in the Wellington area..

 

Nine tips for being yourself in a relationship

Saturday, October 17th, 2015

 

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What you feel about yourself is what you show to others. When you like yourself, you radiate confidence and self-esteem. People who like themselves generally like their lives. This is very appealing. In social settings they will be the ones who easily attract others.

  1. Look for Contentment and Happiness in Your Own Being

    Find and cultivate at least one thing about yourself that you can take pride in. It could be a talent, a hobby, a skill you have mastered or a quality in your personality.

  2. If You Are a Single Parent, Focus on Your Children

    Too often, single moms and dads say they are a better parent when in a relationship. This way of thinking spells problems, not only for the person you are interested in, but for your children as well.

  3. Be Thankful for Alone Time

    Be grateful for the time you have for yourself outside a relationship. The universe loves gratitude.

  4. Catch Yourself at the First Signs of Attraction

    If you have already attracted a significant other and are in the beginning stages of the relationship, curb that eagerness to make that person the center of your existence. A relationship is just one area of your life, not your entire reason for living.

  5. Do Not Give Up Your Other Social Relationships and Activities

    Making time for friends and regular activities gives you perspective and levels the relationship field. Most men and women respect this in a potential partner. It frees them from the worry that they will be suffocated in the relationship; it also reveals this person’s stability. Question your potential partner’s dependability if he or she suddenly terminates friendships and usual activities just to spend more time with you. If he or she is more than willing to throw friends and interests under the bus, he or she might eventually do the same with you.

  6. If You Don’t Feel Like Answering a Call or Email, Don’t!

    At some point, even the most available people go through a period where they don’t feel like answering that phone call or email from their significant other right that minute. But they pick up the phone or jot off a reply anyway out of worry that their partner will respond negatively and end the relationship. Don’t buy into it! Honor your own feelings and needs.

  7. Respect Your Partner’s Personal Space

    Just because your significant other has to work overtime, wants to play golf on Saturday, or hang out with the girls does not mean he or she is losing interest. Being supportive of other life areas and pursuits allows your partner the freedom to be himself or herself. This consequently strengthens the relationship.

  8. Sometimes It Is What It Is

    Resist the temptation to read meaning into something that isn’t there. You can drive yourself nuts over analyzing everything your partner says or does. And even though love does not have a set timetable for growth, if you find yourself exhausted after years of investing in a relationship that hasn’t gone anywhere, chances are it will never go where you desire. It might be time to get out!

Personal Reflection Exercises…

Tuesday, October 13th, 2015

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Having an open, honest dialogue with myself helps me to communicate with my partner.

I communicate effectively with others because I am true to myself.

My partner and I are able to have a deeper level of communication because I am fully aware of my thoughts and feelings. I know what I want to say because I have thought it through and talked realistically and honestly with myself first.

My relationships are important to me and I value my ability to communicate my inner thoughts effectively. I am able to do this because I practice what I want to say before I say it.
Coming to a full understanding of myself allows me to think through any frustrations and realize how my words may affect my partner.

I can vent frustrations, share excitement, and be prepared for conversations by first reflecting on my own needs. Oftentimes I find that what I really want to say is very different from the way I first felt about the situation.

When I am open and honest with myself first, I can then convey my feelings to my partner with confidence. My relationship is stronger because I first had a conversation with me.

Today, I prepare for communication with my partner by first talking with myself. I choose to take the time to vent any frustrations and sift through unnecessary dialogue in my own conversation before I have it with my partner.

Self-Reflection Questions:

  1. Have I thought through what I want to communicate to my partner?
  2. Have I had the conversation with myself first?
  3. How did the conversation with myself lead to a better communication experience?

Effective Communication in Marriage

Thursday, October 1st, 2015

couple chatting

 

 

Do you want a marriage that’s filled with passion, excitement and mutual respect?

 

The key to experiencing the type of marriage you’ve always dreamed about is effective communication.

 

At the foundation of every intimate relationship is communication. The greater the depth of communication, the stronger the bond is between you and your spouse.

 
Marriages survive and thrive when each person shares their thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. You develop trust in your relationship by sharing your heart and allowing yourself to become vulnerable.

 

You make that trust grow when you resolve to become person that makes your spouse feel safe to open up and be vulnerable as well.

Your marriage relationship can often cause complicated emotions within the both of you.

 

If you commit to seeing the other person’s point of view and creating an atmosphere of safety and open communication, however, you can experience a close marriage relationship even when life presents its biggest challenges.

 

These tips can help you communicate effectively with your spouse:

 
1. Above all, love each other. Decide that being loving is more important than being right.

If you’re willing to concede in a disagreement, you can diffuse many

angry situations without them escalating into a major confrontation.
• Notice the warning signs of an escalating discussion.

If you’re starting to raise your voice or say hurtful things to your partner, take a walk and cool off.

Instead of thinking about all the reasons the other person is wrong, examine the part you might have played in things getting to this level.
When you return, apologize for your part in the disagreement. Usually, both parties shoulder some part of the blame in an argument. Then, calmly express your feelings.

 

• Be careful to speak in terms of how things have affected you, instead of pointing fingers at the other person.

 

Think of the discussion as one you would have with a teammate that is trying to solve the problem, and not as an enemy that must be defeated at all costs.

 

2. Compromise. Many people think that compromise is an ugly word. However, learning to compromise is a valuable key to peace in your home and in your marriage relationship. Decide that you’ll seek a win-win solution in every situation.

 
When you face a disagreement, think about how both of you can get what you want and need.

 

 
• If you both give in a little, you show each other that you’re committed to the relationship above all else. You show your love for your partner in a tangible way when you sacrifice a little of what you want for the good of both of you.

 

 
3. Listen Effectively. Many disagreements are caused by a failure to listen attentively and empathetically to your partner. If you learn to listen effectively, your arguments will be shorter and your marriage will be a sweet fellowship of two people who love each other.

 
• When the other person is speaking, resist the temptation to interrupt.

 

Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say to counter your partner’s statements, pay close attention.

 

 

When your spouse is finished, repeat in your own words what was said. Say,
“What I hear you saying is… Is that what you’re saying?”

 

 
• This gives your spouse a chance to correct your understanding if you’ve misunderstood what was said. It also shows your partner that you care about solving the problem instead of simply winning the argument.

 

 

You’ll experience greater emotional intimacy and a quicker resolution that both of you can be happy with.

 
Strive to embrace difficult conversations as an opportunity to deepen your relationship and show your spouse how much you care.

 

 

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, seek a solution that makes both of you happy, and let go of the need to be right.

 

 

If you do, you’ll experience a vibrant, exciting marriage relationship that survives the tough times and lasts a lifetime.